I've been a bad girl!

I finally broke down and called the nurses line at the BCCA today.  I just couldn't take it anymore.  The pain has been non-stop in my legs and bones and the nausea is not letting up.  I really wish it would.  I have tried some pain meds they don't even touch it and the anti-nausea meds are just starting to work.  I don't think I'm a wimp, I mean after all, I did make it through four "natural" childbirths. So why do I feel like such a wimp now?
Back to the phone call......I spoke with the nurse and gave her the play by play of everything that I have been experiencing since Sunday morning.  She told me she would speak to the doctor and call me back.  Well, Dr. Bernstein herself called me back......and she was not happy with me.  I got the lecture about calling sooner and that I shouldn't leave things so long.  I told her I didn't call sooner because I knew she would make me come into triage or go to the hospital, and I was too sick to even get out of bed, let alone get to the hospital.  She warned me that she was "this" close to sticking me in an ambulance right now and bringing my butt into emergency.  I begged her not to and I agreed to come into triage at BCCA tomorrow.  OMG!!! I was a naughty patient! She gave me some orders over the phone to take my favourite (not so much) Dexamethasone (it's a steroid and should help with my pain) and some more Ondasetron (anti-nauseant.)  Remember the Dex was the one that made me crazy hyper in the first cycle and I was up all night and racing through Costco!  I hope that's not the case tonight.....imagine that I'll be wanting to run through the streets, and can't even stand up because my legs give out on me, like a baby deer. LOL
I am eating my pink popsicles and laying on the couch like a potato, a "Where's Waldo?" potato that is!

x0x

I may have spoke too soon!

I had a great day on Saturday which we would call day 2 of this chemo cycle.  I spent the day with my cousin and the kids making a video to apply for the Amazing Race Canada!  It was lots of fun and was a beautiful day outside.  In the evening I went to my dear friends 50th Birthday celebration.  It was so much fun and probably the best pot luck dinner I have ever been to.  That's what happens when you have a group of women who are fantastic cooks pull together a pot luck! Yummo!

It all came to a screaming halt on Sunday morning.  I woke up feeling nauseated and in throbbing bone ache agony.  Damn it! I thought this round was going to be different and symptom free.  Not so much, the pain is in my joints and bones it just aches all the time and comes in waves of intensity. It's mostly in my legs my knees and shins and then occasionally in my fingers and hands, it`s horrible.  Alma and Kimberly came over last night to watch the Oscars and I just layed here like a flopped fish.  Right after they left is when the vomiting commenced.  I have not actually thrown up through out any of my cycles until now.  It lasted through out last night and then the bowels got upset too.  Have you ever had to actually sit on the toilet while vomiting into a bucket?  Well sorry for the nasty visual but that was me! Holy Shizas......literally.  My Phil took it all in stride and got me settled into bed with some gravol for the vomiting and dilaudid for the pain.  The gravol helped me go to sleep the dilaudid did nothing for my pain. 
Today was not much better I`m sad to report.  I wish it were better, I think I`m going to have to wait this one out....again.  Aunty and Jennifer came and brought me Kraft Dinner and popsicles and thoroughly enjoyed my pyjama ensemble of multi coloured striped toque, shirt and pants!  You know I try to really look my best!   I looked like Waldo from "Where`s Waldo?"  It was quite funny.
So note to self:  Day 3,4 and possibly 5,6 of chemo cyle....ALWAYS SUCK!  I only have one more round to go. I don`t want to do this anymore, but I will persevere.  I think I can, I think I can!
x0x

3rd Round Successful!

I made it through round 3!  I was extremely nervous.  I was up at the "crack 'o' dawn" as I had to go get my blood work done first thing pre-chemo at VGH.  My chemo time was not until 12:00, and because I was up so early, I spent the morning making a butternut squash lasagna for my friends 50th birthday party tomorrow.  I love to cook and it was a new recipe to me, so it was a nice way to spend the morning.
Phil and I headed to the cancer agency a little early, parking is a pain in the ass, so I was not going to risk having my chemo delayed one more minute! They were not on schedule today and had no chemo chairs available.  I was brought in at 13:00.  I had a nurse that was new to me, she was lovely.  We got started pretty much right away and she set up to access my port a cath.  While she was accessing it with the needle, for no apparent reason I almost passed out.  My face drained of all colour and she said "Are you okay?" I said "yes" and then she said "no you're not let's lay you back."  LOL. I don't know why I always say I'm fine when I'm really not, I guess I always think it's going to go away.  Stupid logic.


Manuela and I with my samosa and champagne.

The Herceptin ran first over 30minutes and then I had a 30 minute observation after.  It seemed to go quite smoothly.  I had a few pop in visitors, Auntie, of course,  then Paula my fellow unit clerk buddy, and Manuela came and brought me samosas and champagne.  Real champagne!  It was a good omen that this round was going to go smoothly. 
The next drug was the new drug called Abraxane.  It was going to take 30 minutes to run and then I was good to go!  It went in without a hitch and I was unhooked and free to leave.   It was such a different round than the last two it was a relief.

My last round of chemo will be on March 13.  I am almost there, for this part at least.  Fingers crossed that I feel okay over the next few days. I'll keep you posted :P
Thank you for all your text messages and good luck wishes.  It really means a lot to have so many people thinking of me and supporting me through this. 
Tonight we will celebrate and go out to dinner with the family!
x0x

Hurry up and wait....

The last few days before my next round of chemo always seems to go so slow.  I fill my days with routine tasks and basically wait for the chemo day to come.  I was all ready to go get my blood work done at VGH outpatient lab when I got a phone call late this afternoon from the cancer agency telling me that the cancer agency pharmacy had called Dr. Bernstein's office to tell them that they did not have enough of my chemo drugs in stock and that my chemo time would have to be changed.  So now I am delayed two more days until Friday at 12:00.  SHIZAS!
I'm so disappointed, I just want to get this over with and I am so nervous about this new drug that I think it's going to be an Ativan sleep tonight!!

This whole process has been so much of the "hurry up and wait." I don't feel like I have had to wait a long time or extended periods of time, rather, it is just the long days of uncertainty and the unknown that just kill me. 
When I was diagnosed I had to wait nine days to get my MRI, now in BC medical terms I realize that's like winning the lottery, it wasn't that I thought that wasn't fast,  really I thought         "Oh God nine whole days?"  each of those days felt like a month! 
My surgeon's appointment was fifteen days from the day I was diagnosed and it was agonizing waiting to see her.  For those fifteen days that surgeon held my fate for the future of my boobies and she was out of town! After I saw the surgeon, I had a surgery date by the end of the day, it was another two weeks.  At this point I knew very little about my cancer, only the size of my tumour and type of cancer (Infiltrating ductal carcinoma.) This info was what the original biopsy provided.
The surgery was going to reveal whether my cancer had spread to my lymph nodes and what kind of cancer I had, oh ya it was also going to take a large chunk of my booby away too, that kinda sucked.  You can only imagine the anxiety.
Those were the days I spent sobbing uncontrollably in bed. The days I couldn't fall asleep because my pillow was drenched from the tears and I had to make midnight calls to my Auntie because Phil and I were both so upset, and couldn't get calmed down. 
After my surgery it was four weeks of painful recovery all the while I was waiting for my call from the Cancer Agency for my first appointment with an oncologist.  That was another thirty five days.
Of all my fears throughout this journey, the biggest fear I had was that I didn't want my kids to see me sick. I didn't want my kids to see my at my worst.  I'm their Mama and I'm the strong one, the one they can depend on, the one that keeps their worlds turning.  What was going to happen to me?
Then there was the big day with the medical oncologist when the fateful news of having to undergo chemotherapy came.   It was twenty days of agonizing and deliberating about what decision to make about my chemo treatment.   It was fifteen more days until I had my first round of chemo.  All in all, it really isn't a long time, it's just the days turn to weeks and the weeks are now months and I'm kinda tired of this cancer business!  It's a downer day today, I guess everyday can't be perfect.
So here I sit waiting, yet again, for chemo round three.  What's another two days really? 

x0x

The NEW chemo plan....

I had an appoinment with Dr. Bernstein at 13:00 at the Cancer Agency.  Auntie and I went and I told Phil to go to work as I want him to be with me on chemo day and he can't really miss anymore time at work. 
I got put in the clinic room and was sitting talking with Auntie when out of the corner of my eye I spotted Bonnie walking by!!  It was so nice to see her.  She looked beautiful and radiant and we had a brief pow-wow before Dr. Bernstein arrived to see me.  For those of you who don't know, Bonnie is my "Guardian Messenger" you can read my blog post about her.
Here's how the appointment went......Dr. Bernstein had thought she had come to the conclusion of what she wanted to do and then on Friday she did some more investigating and found an alternative plan to her original solution. 
The idea is that we want to keep me on the closest "cocktail" of chemotherapy as the original one I started with.  This plan she found on Friday was going to be the closest we could get to the original.  It was going to consist of three drugs Herceptin, Cyclophosphamide and Abraxane.  So the drug that has changed is the last one called Abraxane.  After some discussion and a Q&A period I decided I was going to drop the cyclophosphamide piece as this is the drug that made me so terribly ill last cycle and the increase of efficacy from using the cyclophophamide is really low, under 2% benefit, and really there is no real evidence to prove that it would increase at all anyway.
I will go on Wednesday 0900 for the next round. I am nervous about it, she originally wanted to run the dose of the Abraxane broken up over 3 doses doing one dose a week.  When I decided to drop the cyclophosphamide she said that she could run the full dose every three weeks with Herceptin and avoid having me come in every week.  It is a big dose of drug and it comes with it's own bag of tricks for side effects!  Some of them are muscle and joint pain, extreme fatigue, hair loss (which I already have!) and a variety of other lovely things. The reason this Abraxane is supposed to be a better choice is because it is not mixed with any solutions which is what they think I am allergic to.
SO, to sum this all up, I am having two more rounds of this new "cocktail" and we will see how this first dose goes.  I am really nervous, I'll make sure I put on my big girl underwear and have my ladyballs hanging low on Wednesday.
I have received so many encouraging and thoughtful messages and I thank you for every single one of them!
x0x

Time well spent...another great weekend!

I had a great weekend!  I'm on the upside right now, and taking full advantage.  We went to Courtney/Mt. Washington this weekend.  Phil and the kids went skiing for two days and I stayed in town and had the best visit with an old friend that I haven't seen in years. 

In a previous post I had talked about connecting with people in my life who may have been absent for a period of time and that I'm making a priority of who I want to have in my life and who doesn't belong. 
One of my mantra's is "History does not dictate friendship."
What I mean by that is, just because you have been friends with someone forever does not mean you have to stay friends with them forever.  People evolve over time and come in and out of your life for different reasons, and you are the one who chooses who you let come in and out of your life. 
The flip side to that mantra is history can also hold a relationship.  What I mean by this is, even though you may not see or talk to someone for a long time, years even, there are just people who have been in your life at one point and then you part ways for no particular reason, then when the time comes you can pick up right where you left off.  Just like you never spent any time apart. 

Well that's what this weekend was for me, picking up where I left off.  My dear friend Cathy came into my life almost 15 years ago, she and I became close friends fast when we met and spent lots of time together for a few years straight.  For no particular reason, life took over and we ended up going our different directions, her family moved out of town and as the story goes we lost touch.

We spent Friday afternoon and most of Saturday together, it was so much fun.  Cathy took me to all her favourite spots in Courtney, Comox and Cumberland and I felt like a princess!  We had lunch at Crown Isle Golf Course, went to a local chocolate shop/bakery called Hot Chocolates, and yesterday we went to the Cumberland Bakery for fresh made donuts and the Maple Noodle House for lunch!! We drove all through these beautiful neighbourhoods and beautiful scenic areas and talked for hours.  I got to see her children who are growing up so fast, and see her darling big bear of a husband who I just adore.  It was fantastic. We have already planned some time together at spring break in Tofino!  We talked so much we forgot to get a picture together!  The only one I did get was one of the cake I bought at the bakery.

I feel so very lucky to have such wonderful people in my life, not only did I get to reconnect with this lovely soul, I also got to see my best friend Kirsten of 23 years with her family, because they came to see us from Nanaimo and have a quick visit Friday night.  Then another fellow Victoria friend Miss Kimberly and Monsieur Paul were up skiing as well so we got to have a great evening with them Saturday night.

"My people" are the connection to reality and keeping life normal.  When I say "my people" it is anyone who has touched my life personally at some point.  I cherish all the relationships that I have built over my life and look forward to all the news ones that will come into my life in the future. 

I see the Medical Oncologist tomorrow and the future of my chemo will be determined.  Like I have said before "I'm in it to win it!" so I'll do anything to keep cancer out of my life forever.

x0x

Smooth as silk...my scalp that is....

Happy Valentine's Day to you <3   It was a lovely day and I got the cutest Valentine's text message and a lovely bouquet of red roses from my person.  I made spicy peanut noodle box for dinner with homemade spring rolls that were killer!
It was Monique night, she comes every Thursday.  We all look forward to it and the kids wait for her to play games, read books and help them with their homework.  After she tires them out, it's my turn and she rubs my scalp, shoulders and back.  Tonight was a little different for my head massage, all my little stubbles were coming off with the rubbing and piling up on my head and getting absolutely everywhere.  Monique had black shards all over her hands and arms and I had them all over my neck and shoulders.  We laughed about it and decided I needed to scrub my head with some sort of brush, so what did I do?  I got one of my ikea dish scrubbers (a new one) and took it into the shower and scrubbed my head.  It hasn't all come off yet, it is patchy, with some smooth spots and still some stubble spots.  It truly is the oddest feeling to have this bald head of mine.  I don't think I will ever really get used to it, nor do I really want to.  I can hardly wait until I'm finished this so my hair starts to grow back. I have accepted being hairless, for now, and look forward to having long locks again someday.
So now, I spend my time searching for my head scarves and my hats instead of looking for hair elastics.  In my house, hair elastics are like little rings of gold, so now when I get asked, "Mom, do you know where there is a hair elastic?" My response is "I'm bald, why would I know where there is a hair elastic?" that always gets a laugh.
I'm not so sensitive to being called "baldie" instead of "blondie" by Phil and I am thankful somedays for the amount of time it saves me to get ready for the day.  I used to have hair washing days, because of my long thick locks because it was a sixty minute procedure to wash and then blow dry my hair. I will take my scrubby into the shower everyday until it's smooth as silk!

Play the cards you're dealt........

I could sit here and write a pity party about how life is "just not fair" and "poor me."  I guess I choose not to spend my energy feeling sorry for myself, and rather, use every bit of energy trying to stay positive and making the most of everyday. 
One of the pieces of the giant puzzle of having cancer, is having to tell people about your diagnoses.

I have learned a lot during this process, one of those being, you have to let people have their own feelings and reactions to hearing and learning about your diagnoses.

When I was first diagnosed, my initial reaction was to go silent and hide from everything.  Probably a defence mechanism to try and run from the truth and reality of the situation.  As I got into to this deeper it become abundantly clear that I was not going to be able to keep this a secret, and really why would I need to do that.

So as I started sharing my news, I had to really take the time to establish an empathy for the people who I was sharing this startling information with. I know it sounds crazy that I would have to have empathy for the person receiving the news, really that is the truth.  Empathy is a two way street. 
I know that if I learned that my friend, co-worker or past school mate was diagnosed, especially at a young age, I would be devastated for them and their family.  So I put myself in your shoes, and grabbed some empathy.

I consider it keeping my ego in check.  I never want to feel entitled to anything because I have cancer.  What does that mean?  I don't think that because I have been dealt this card in my hand of life, that I should feel so sorry for myself to not keep the ability to feel empathy for anyone else or that I deserve better than anyone else does because of this. I deserve the best for me, and only I can make choices to decide what will make my best life.

Today was a great day, I went for lunch to Pig BBQ Joint, with my buddy Anne, and had a bonus
run-in with a lifelong friend Richard who manages the restaurant.  I had the pulled pork poutine, as you know I'm on a poutine kick, and it didn't disappoint YUMMO! 
I am feeling pretty good.  I have some minor issues, sores on my tongue and my back and bones are quite stiff, but for the most part I can't complain.
x0x

A much needed weekend away!

McKenzie Beach footsteps from our resort

On Friday I made a last minute decision to go away for the weekend.  It took me two hours on the phone and I managed to get us booked into Parksville at Pacific Shores for Saturday night, and then into Crystal Cove Resort in Tofino for Sunday night.  I got the last rooms at both places! Everything was sold out due to the Family Weekend holiday.

We checked into Pacific Shores Saturday at 13:30, we go here every two years for a week, because my Mom owns a timeshare here. The kids are very familiar with the property and all they wanted to do was swim which was perfect. We had a huge unit that we have never stayed in before, and I was so thrilled to have a jacuzzi tub with a fireplace none the less!  I made dinner reservations at the restaurant and I got a groupon deal for us for dinner.  The food was no hell and neither was the service so I was really happy to be heading to the spa after dinner.  I got the last appointment and they squeezed me in for a 30minute rejuvenating facial.  It was worth every second! It was an all around relaxing afternoon and evening and we were all excited about heading to Tofino in the morning. 
We were packed into the van and on the road by 9:08am.  We were looking at a 2.5 hour drive so we settled in and cruised along.  The road to Tofino is treacherous and winding for about 80kms so I gripped the "Holy Shit Handle" as Phil calls it and prayed we would get there in one piece!
The drive was worth every heart stopping second......
The resort was fantastic and we were all starving so we walked over to the Wildside Grill, it was about a 15 minute walk from the resort, located in a hippie surfer village shop stop, and came highly recommended by my fellow foodie friend Diane.  We made it our first order of business.  WOWZAS! We loved it!  There were burgers and chowders and fresh tortillas tacos and so much more....We had fish tacos, pork carnita tacos, poutine, fresh cut fries.  It was amazing. It was high tide so we decided to drive into the town of Tofino and walked all around and looked in all the shops and investigated the town.  We headed back to the resort so we could explore the beach and look for starfish and sand dollars.  It was fantastic and fun.  It was quite crisp so we were a bit chilly so all the kids wanted to head into our private hot tub, so we all got in and they had a nice dip and played around for ages. They were especially taken with the 6 different colours of lights and the waterfall in it.  We brought all the stuff to have a fabulous BBQ steak dinner with baked potatoes and Caesar salad, so we had a late dinner.  It was really delicious and relaxing eating in the cabin in front of the fireplace.  I even had a BEER! It was great. 
Today Phil and I had a morning hot tub and then the kids had one too! I went ala nakedness, Phil's to shy to do that.  Of course I flashed half of the neighbouring people LOL. Why not it was $300/night so we took full advantage!
We wanted to get to Long Beach and head down island before 2ish so we didn't have to drive the dreaded Malahat in the dark. So we had to get a move on so we could get more fish tacos, of course! Again Wildside did not disappoint! Then we spent the next hour in the hippie surfer village watching a local glass making artist blow glass and make three different glass pieces.  It was mesmerising and the kids didn't want to leave.  We managed to pull them away and head to Long Beach, which did not let us down.  We ran from the waves and walked along the water edge it was cold and windy, it was beautiful. I love taking photos so I was in my glory with the beautiful beach scapes and taking pictures of the kids is so much fun.
I have put a collection of my photos on my FB page along with the few I have posted here.
It was a much needed weekend retreat. 

Turning a corner....

Today was a much better day than the last seven days, that's for sure!  I am starting to turn the corner from the land of nausea to the land of the eating.  It has undoubtedly been the worst week EVER!  The only way I can describe to people the feeling of all this sickness is that it feels like I was dying.  I know that sounds really dismal, seriously, it feels like poison is ripping through your veins and you are upon imminent death.  Sorry to be such a downer, it's just the truth.  My lungs are crackly and congested due to lying down for 10 days and being pretty much sedentary so they need some fresh air and lung physio rehab!
On to more positive things, since the sun is shining so brightly and it is such a glorious day I have been inspired to want to do something fun. So we are headed up island for a couple of days, one day in Parksville and then on to Tofino for Sunday and Monday!  I will have lots of great photos to post and surely will have something to say!  I'm really excited, and I haven't been excited for a long time!  So  I will post something in the next couple of days, maybe I can inspire you to get outside and enjoy our fine island yourself, or if you are not lucky enough to live on this beautiful west coast then get out and enjoy your outdoors wherever that may be.  x0x

How is my family handling everything?

 

Everyday I get a chance to connect personally with someone, either by phone or by email that I don't talk to on a day to day basis.  I make this one of my goals to stay connected while I feel so very out of touch with reality right now.  The most common question I get asked is " How is your family handling this?"  My answer to this is not simple.  As you know I have four children all with different personalities and lives.  Then there is Phil, this manly man in my life that is my caregiver and most trusted person in the world to me.  

In fact, it is a pretty multi-layered answer to that question mostly because there is more than one person involved. 

I will start with Phil, my husband of almost 14 years and partner in crime for 16 years.  He is now also my caregiver and has always been my true friend. He IS the strength I need ALL the time.  Even if I get frustrated, sad, mad and hate myself (believe me I do) and may seem "ornery" as he tells me, he lays next to me in bed every night with a back rub and "I love you" and "let's get you healthy."  How does he feel?  I couldn't answer that for him, what I see in him is true love and companionship that undoubtedly is never going to end.  He starts my day everyday and ends my day everyday and he does it with a calm, reassuring sense of love every single time.  That tells me he is on the same page as me, we both know I have a job to do, and we are going to get it done no matter what we have to do to get there.  We both want to be at the end of this life together.....old and alive!

 

My dear Abby, she is 14, how does she feel?  Well, Abby is my old soul who just naturally knows how to handle me.  She is the quiet observer, yet we call her the "drama queen" in our house.  Abby texts me everyday multiple times just to check-in and see how I am feeling. Her responses are always positive and uplifting even if my texts back to her are rather dismal at times.  All she wants is to get this job done because we have a life to live and this was not part of our plan!

Georgia, 11 (very near 12), my outspoken (really where does that come from?) animated and full of information daughter.  How does she feel? I would say she is taking this in stride, she too, knows we have been faced with a task and the job needs to get done.  Her Mom having cancer really sucks and it is almost a motivator to her to want to do better.  Georgia swims competitively and has applied this battle to her own life with an attitude of we are gonna kick ass, and that's what she does, every single day. With an "I love you" and a daily update of the days gossip she keeps it real for me all the time.

 

Stella bear, she's 9, is my baby nurse.  She is a natural born caregiver and just tells me she hopes I feel better every single day.  She is tender, and snugly and loves me more than I could ever put into words and she makes me feel that every time she lays eyes on me.

 

Then there is Mr. Vinnie, he's 6 now, he's just such a nice guy.  He is very curious about all this cancer business.  We have never made this scary or something he needs to be scared of, so for him everyday is like a science chat.  He has all kinds of suggestions for the scientists at the Cancer agency of how they could kill cancer without making his Mom sick, and always wants to know when my eyebrows are going to fall out. I would say he feels sad some days when I'm sick, and just like normal when I'm back up and running.  He's 6 I don't expect great revelations, what I know is every night he tells me he loves me to infinity and that's all I need to know.

 

To sum it all up, I think my family is ok.  We are that, a family and we talk about this cancer business openly and discuss it like any other topic.  We are not afraid of cancer and look at this as a detour in our family plan. 

I am grateful for each and every one of them and would not want to be any place else than home!

Things are gonna have to change....

So I'm still lying on the couch trying to keep from feeling nauseated and gross. I am keeping some small bits of food down and I am managing to keep liquids down in small sips.  It is really frustrating to not be feeling any better yet.  I am very slowly turning the corner but really not that much better.  So I have been expecting a call from Dr. Bernstein, my oncologist, because she has been out of town and I knew she was going to want to talk to me about the future of my treatment based on the last episode at chemo with another allergic reaction.  So the "call" came today.  Dr. Bernstein said she literally had just got back into town and the first chart she had on her desk was mine. OH GOD, I thought inside.  I knew from the first time that she had said that they may have to stop the protocol if I had another reaction, and in fact that is almost what she said she wanted to do.  She had already emailed a whole bunch of other oncologists throughout the province that she was trying to collaborate on what the next step for some form of treatment for me should be.  She said more than one time, that she is very concerned about me having these anaphylactic reactions that are too risky to keep administering these drugs.  The other side is, she does want to see me receive some more chemotherapy of some kind to benefit from the efficacy of the herceptin with the standard chemo drugs. 
So I have an appointment with her on February 18 and by then she will have some other options that she thinks will be good options to keep me on some chemotherapy and the herceptin.  It sounds like I will have to go weekly now to get treatment and all of my medications will have to change that go with the treatments. ie. no more neupogen or anti-nauseant drugs.
We will have to wait and see.  For the meantime, I'm just trying to keep from feeling like barfing all day!  I hope to have more upbeat updates soon! x0x

I'm down and out.....

Me with the Cryomits on to prevent
my fingernails from coming off

Well it has been a rough few days to say the least. I'm sorry I haven't been well enough to even post a sentence to say I was down and out.  It started on Saturday 2 days post chemo round 2.  I just felt so lethargic and gross that I couldn't even get out of bed.  I don't ever lay around and hate wasting a whole day in bed, I like a good sleep in, but I literally was in bed all day.  I had a bath or two just to have a change of scenery and sooth the general malaise feeling, I just couldn't shake the lethargy.  It ended up turning into full blown nausea by about 2:00am and I was wanting to throw up but had nothing in me to get out.  So by 8:30am I had had enough of this death feeling and decided I needed to call the medical oncologist on-call.  The fact of the matter is that you are not supposed to feel sick at all while going through this.  They have repeatedly told me this, so I have no qualms about calling for help when I'm just done.  I knew I was seriously dehydrated by this point and would need some fluids and probably some anti-nauseate medication that could be given IV (via my handy dandy porta cath.) Dr. Coppin (I think) called me back right away and had me go up to VGH for IV fluids and meds right away.  He called them to let them know I was coming, and was a chemotherapy patient and needed attention asap.  Phil got me up to VGH by 10:30am and guess what we walked in behind in emerg?  You guessed it, the prisoner from Wilkinson road jail who was chained to his wheelchair, looked less than a desirable character accompanied by two huge jail guards.  Are you kidding me? It's really a time like this that I think the world is just not fair.  He was there for his stab wound that had become seriously infected, and I'm there because of my chemotherapy riddled body that is almost giving out on me. Where's the fairness in that?  Oh well, I proceeded to lay across 3 waiting chairs and Phil's lap because I could not even sit upright from the dizziness and nausea.  All the while being overlooked by the prisoner who seemed all to interested in what was wrong with me.  Of course that's how it would happen there always has to be a little flare in my life! So five hours on a stretcher in emergency at VGH with a nurse who I knew from my 4 west days 2 litres of fluids and a cocktail of anti-nauseate meds and I was sent home. Auntie stayed with me the whole time while Phil went home and dealt with all the kids. I still felt shitty not really any better actually, but I knew I was hydrated at least and could maybe come home and sleep in my bed.  Oh ya, I started the neupogen shots the day before and I seem to be tolerating them ok, so I had to come home and inject those bad boys too.  By 22:00 I was beside myself and I have some IM shots of gravol so I had to call in reinforcements (otherwise known as Alma) and called her to come over and give me a nice shot in the ass to get me through the night.  Thank god she did, I think that's what helped me turn the corner, somewhat.  I slept, had crazy dreams mind you, none the less I slept. I woke up still nauseated but not trying to vomit anymore, so Phil got me up and showered so I could feel somewhat like a human being.  I have no energy even showering is like running a marathon, it's unbelievable.  I spent the day resting on the couch, I ate small bits of food, had Kraft dinner for breakfast, and my god send Rhonda who cleans my house came and cleaned up and changed my bed sheets and made me something to eat.  I had a nice visit from Diane and Laura and baby Anderson for a couple of hours in the afternoon. They brought the best homemade chicken & rice soup with homemade bread.  It was a nice break from the long days of feeling so sick and gross to have a couple of visitors for a while. I have to mention that we have had an abundance of people dropping off meals that are just fabulous.  We have had to freeze some of them as Phil is having a hard time getting through serving all of them.  It is just so kind of people and we can not express our appreciation enough. So the gist of this is I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired and hopefully I'll turn the corner soon enough and be back on track in the land of the living. x0x