Hurry up and wait....

The last few days before my next round of chemo always seems to go so slow.  I fill my days with routine tasks and basically wait for the chemo day to come.  I was all ready to go get my blood work done at VGH outpatient lab when I got a phone call late this afternoon from the cancer agency telling me that the cancer agency pharmacy had called Dr. Bernstein's office to tell them that they did not have enough of my chemo drugs in stock and that my chemo time would have to be changed.  So now I am delayed two more days until Friday at 12:00.  SHIZAS!
I'm so disappointed, I just want to get this over with and I am so nervous about this new drug that I think it's going to be an Ativan sleep tonight!!

This whole process has been so much of the "hurry up and wait." I don't feel like I have had to wait a long time or extended periods of time, rather, it is just the long days of uncertainty and the unknown that just kill me. 
When I was diagnosed I had to wait nine days to get my MRI, now in BC medical terms I realize that's like winning the lottery, it wasn't that I thought that wasn't fast,  really I thought         "Oh God nine whole days?"  each of those days felt like a month! 
My surgeon's appointment was fifteen days from the day I was diagnosed and it was agonizing waiting to see her.  For those fifteen days that surgeon held my fate for the future of my boobies and she was out of town! After I saw the surgeon, I had a surgery date by the end of the day, it was another two weeks.  At this point I knew very little about my cancer, only the size of my tumour and type of cancer (Infiltrating ductal carcinoma.) This info was what the original biopsy provided.
The surgery was going to reveal whether my cancer had spread to my lymph nodes and what kind of cancer I had, oh ya it was also going to take a large chunk of my booby away too, that kinda sucked.  You can only imagine the anxiety.
Those were the days I spent sobbing uncontrollably in bed. The days I couldn't fall asleep because my pillow was drenched from the tears and I had to make midnight calls to my Auntie because Phil and I were both so upset, and couldn't get calmed down. 
After my surgery it was four weeks of painful recovery all the while I was waiting for my call from the Cancer Agency for my first appointment with an oncologist.  That was another thirty five days.
Of all my fears throughout this journey, the biggest fear I had was that I didn't want my kids to see me sick. I didn't want my kids to see my at my worst.  I'm their Mama and I'm the strong one, the one they can depend on, the one that keeps their worlds turning.  What was going to happen to me?
Then there was the big day with the medical oncologist when the fateful news of having to undergo chemotherapy came.   It was twenty days of agonizing and deliberating about what decision to make about my chemo treatment.   It was fifteen more days until I had my first round of chemo.  All in all, it really isn't a long time, it's just the days turn to weeks and the weeks are now months and I'm kinda tired of this cancer business!  It's a downer day today, I guess everyday can't be perfect.
So here I sit waiting, yet again, for chemo round three.  What's another two days really? 

x0x

The NEW chemo plan....

I had an appoinment with Dr. Bernstein at 13:00 at the Cancer Agency.  Auntie and I went and I told Phil to go to work as I want him to be with me on chemo day and he can't really miss anymore time at work. 
I got put in the clinic room and was sitting talking with Auntie when out of the corner of my eye I spotted Bonnie walking by!!  It was so nice to see her.  She looked beautiful and radiant and we had a brief pow-wow before Dr. Bernstein arrived to see me.  For those of you who don't know, Bonnie is my "Guardian Messenger" you can read my blog post about her.
Here's how the appointment went......Dr. Bernstein had thought she had come to the conclusion of what she wanted to do and then on Friday she did some more investigating and found an alternative plan to her original solution. 
The idea is that we want to keep me on the closest "cocktail" of chemotherapy as the original one I started with.  This plan she found on Friday was going to be the closest we could get to the original.  It was going to consist of three drugs Herceptin, Cyclophosphamide and Abraxane.  So the drug that has changed is the last one called Abraxane.  After some discussion and a Q&A period I decided I was going to drop the cyclophosphamide piece as this is the drug that made me so terribly ill last cycle and the increase of efficacy from using the cyclophophamide is really low, under 2% benefit, and really there is no real evidence to prove that it would increase at all anyway.
I will go on Wednesday 0900 for the next round. I am nervous about it, she originally wanted to run the dose of the Abraxane broken up over 3 doses doing one dose a week.  When I decided to drop the cyclophosphamide she said that she could run the full dose every three weeks with Herceptin and avoid having me come in every week.  It is a big dose of drug and it comes with it's own bag of tricks for side effects!  Some of them are muscle and joint pain, extreme fatigue, hair loss (which I already have!) and a variety of other lovely things. The reason this Abraxane is supposed to be a better choice is because it is not mixed with any solutions which is what they think I am allergic to.
SO, to sum this all up, I am having two more rounds of this new "cocktail" and we will see how this first dose goes.  I am really nervous, I'll make sure I put on my big girl underwear and have my ladyballs hanging low on Wednesday.
I have received so many encouraging and thoughtful messages and I thank you for every single one of them!
x0x

Time well spent...another great weekend!

I had a great weekend!  I'm on the upside right now, and taking full advantage.  We went to Courtney/Mt. Washington this weekend.  Phil and the kids went skiing for two days and I stayed in town and had the best visit with an old friend that I haven't seen in years. 

In a previous post I had talked about connecting with people in my life who may have been absent for a period of time and that I'm making a priority of who I want to have in my life and who doesn't belong. 
One of my mantra's is "History does not dictate friendship."
What I mean by that is, just because you have been friends with someone forever does not mean you have to stay friends with them forever.  People evolve over time and come in and out of your life for different reasons, and you are the one who chooses who you let come in and out of your life. 
The flip side to that mantra is history can also hold a relationship.  What I mean by this is, even though you may not see or talk to someone for a long time, years even, there are just people who have been in your life at one point and then you part ways for no particular reason, then when the time comes you can pick up right where you left off.  Just like you never spent any time apart. 

Well that's what this weekend was for me, picking up where I left off.  My dear friend Cathy came into my life almost 15 years ago, she and I became close friends fast when we met and spent lots of time together for a few years straight.  For no particular reason, life took over and we ended up going our different directions, her family moved out of town and as the story goes we lost touch.

We spent Friday afternoon and most of Saturday together, it was so much fun.  Cathy took me to all her favourite spots in Courtney, Comox and Cumberland and I felt like a princess!  We had lunch at Crown Isle Golf Course, went to a local chocolate shop/bakery called Hot Chocolates, and yesterday we went to the Cumberland Bakery for fresh made donuts and the Maple Noodle House for lunch!! We drove all through these beautiful neighbourhoods and beautiful scenic areas and talked for hours.  I got to see her children who are growing up so fast, and see her darling big bear of a husband who I just adore.  It was fantastic. We have already planned some time together at spring break in Tofino!  We talked so much we forgot to get a picture together!  The only one I did get was one of the cake I bought at the bakery.

I feel so very lucky to have such wonderful people in my life, not only did I get to reconnect with this lovely soul, I also got to see my best friend Kirsten of 23 years with her family, because they came to see us from Nanaimo and have a quick visit Friday night.  Then another fellow Victoria friend Miss Kimberly and Monsieur Paul were up skiing as well so we got to have a great evening with them Saturday night.

"My people" are the connection to reality and keeping life normal.  When I say "my people" it is anyone who has touched my life personally at some point.  I cherish all the relationships that I have built over my life and look forward to all the news ones that will come into my life in the future. 

I see the Medical Oncologist tomorrow and the future of my chemo will be determined.  Like I have said before "I'm in it to win it!" so I'll do anything to keep cancer out of my life forever.

x0x

Smooth as silk...my scalp that is....

Happy Valentine's Day to you <3   It was a lovely day and I got the cutest Valentine's text message and a lovely bouquet of red roses from my person.  I made spicy peanut noodle box for dinner with homemade spring rolls that were killer!
It was Monique night, she comes every Thursday.  We all look forward to it and the kids wait for her to play games, read books and help them with their homework.  After she tires them out, it's my turn and she rubs my scalp, shoulders and back.  Tonight was a little different for my head massage, all my little stubbles were coming off with the rubbing and piling up on my head and getting absolutely everywhere.  Monique had black shards all over her hands and arms and I had them all over my neck and shoulders.  We laughed about it and decided I needed to scrub my head with some sort of brush, so what did I do?  I got one of my ikea dish scrubbers (a new one) and took it into the shower and scrubbed my head.  It hasn't all come off yet, it is patchy, with some smooth spots and still some stubble spots.  It truly is the oddest feeling to have this bald head of mine.  I don't think I will ever really get used to it, nor do I really want to.  I can hardly wait until I'm finished this so my hair starts to grow back. I have accepted being hairless, for now, and look forward to having long locks again someday.
So now, I spend my time searching for my head scarves and my hats instead of looking for hair elastics.  In my house, hair elastics are like little rings of gold, so now when I get asked, "Mom, do you know where there is a hair elastic?" My response is "I'm bald, why would I know where there is a hair elastic?" that always gets a laugh.
I'm not so sensitive to being called "baldie" instead of "blondie" by Phil and I am thankful somedays for the amount of time it saves me to get ready for the day.  I used to have hair washing days, because of my long thick locks because it was a sixty minute procedure to wash and then blow dry my hair. I will take my scrubby into the shower everyday until it's smooth as silk!

Play the cards you're dealt........

I could sit here and write a pity party about how life is "just not fair" and "poor me."  I guess I choose not to spend my energy feeling sorry for myself, and rather, use every bit of energy trying to stay positive and making the most of everyday. 
One of the pieces of the giant puzzle of having cancer, is having to tell people about your diagnoses.

I have learned a lot during this process, one of those being, you have to let people have their own feelings and reactions to hearing and learning about your diagnoses.

When I was first diagnosed, my initial reaction was to go silent and hide from everything.  Probably a defence mechanism to try and run from the truth and reality of the situation.  As I got into to this deeper it become abundantly clear that I was not going to be able to keep this a secret, and really why would I need to do that.

So as I started sharing my news, I had to really take the time to establish an empathy for the people who I was sharing this startling information with. I know it sounds crazy that I would have to have empathy for the person receiving the news, really that is the truth.  Empathy is a two way street. 
I know that if I learned that my friend, co-worker or past school mate was diagnosed, especially at a young age, I would be devastated for them and their family.  So I put myself in your shoes, and grabbed some empathy.

I consider it keeping my ego in check.  I never want to feel entitled to anything because I have cancer.  What does that mean?  I don't think that because I have been dealt this card in my hand of life, that I should feel so sorry for myself to not keep the ability to feel empathy for anyone else or that I deserve better than anyone else does because of this. I deserve the best for me, and only I can make choices to decide what will make my best life.

Today was a great day, I went for lunch to Pig BBQ Joint, with my buddy Anne, and had a bonus
run-in with a lifelong friend Richard who manages the restaurant.  I had the pulled pork poutine, as you know I'm on a poutine kick, and it didn't disappoint YUMMO! 
I am feeling pretty good.  I have some minor issues, sores on my tongue and my back and bones are quite stiff, but for the most part I can't complain.
x0x

A much needed weekend away!

McKenzie Beach footsteps from our resort

On Friday I made a last minute decision to go away for the weekend.  It took me two hours on the phone and I managed to get us booked into Parksville at Pacific Shores for Saturday night, and then into Crystal Cove Resort in Tofino for Sunday night.  I got the last rooms at both places! Everything was sold out due to the Family Weekend holiday.

We checked into Pacific Shores Saturday at 13:30, we go here every two years for a week, because my Mom owns a timeshare here. The kids are very familiar with the property and all they wanted to do was swim which was perfect. We had a huge unit that we have never stayed in before, and I was so thrilled to have a jacuzzi tub with a fireplace none the less!  I made dinner reservations at the restaurant and I got a groupon deal for us for dinner.  The food was no hell and neither was the service so I was really happy to be heading to the spa after dinner.  I got the last appointment and they squeezed me in for a 30minute rejuvenating facial.  It was worth every second! It was an all around relaxing afternoon and evening and we were all excited about heading to Tofino in the morning. 
We were packed into the van and on the road by 9:08am.  We were looking at a 2.5 hour drive so we settled in and cruised along.  The road to Tofino is treacherous and winding for about 80kms so I gripped the "Holy Shit Handle" as Phil calls it and prayed we would get there in one piece!
The drive was worth every heart stopping second......
The resort was fantastic and we were all starving so we walked over to the Wildside Grill, it was about a 15 minute walk from the resort, located in a hippie surfer village shop stop, and came highly recommended by my fellow foodie friend Diane.  We made it our first order of business.  WOWZAS! We loved it!  There were burgers and chowders and fresh tortillas tacos and so much more....We had fish tacos, pork carnita tacos, poutine, fresh cut fries.  It was amazing. It was high tide so we decided to drive into the town of Tofino and walked all around and looked in all the shops and investigated the town.  We headed back to the resort so we could explore the beach and look for starfish and sand dollars.  It was fantastic and fun.  It was quite crisp so we were a bit chilly so all the kids wanted to head into our private hot tub, so we all got in and they had a nice dip and played around for ages. They were especially taken with the 6 different colours of lights and the waterfall in it.  We brought all the stuff to have a fabulous BBQ steak dinner with baked potatoes and Caesar salad, so we had a late dinner.  It was really delicious and relaxing eating in the cabin in front of the fireplace.  I even had a BEER! It was great. 
Today Phil and I had a morning hot tub and then the kids had one too! I went ala nakedness, Phil's to shy to do that.  Of course I flashed half of the neighbouring people LOL. Why not it was $300/night so we took full advantage!
We wanted to get to Long Beach and head down island before 2ish so we didn't have to drive the dreaded Malahat in the dark. So we had to get a move on so we could get more fish tacos, of course! Again Wildside did not disappoint! Then we spent the next hour in the hippie surfer village watching a local glass making artist blow glass and make three different glass pieces.  It was mesmerising and the kids didn't want to leave.  We managed to pull them away and head to Long Beach, which did not let us down.  We ran from the waves and walked along the water edge it was cold and windy, it was beautiful. I love taking photos so I was in my glory with the beautiful beach scapes and taking pictures of the kids is so much fun.
I have put a collection of my photos on my FB page along with the few I have posted here.
It was a much needed weekend retreat. 

Turning a corner....

Today was a much better day than the last seven days, that's for sure!  I am starting to turn the corner from the land of nausea to the land of the eating.  It has undoubtedly been the worst week EVER!  The only way I can describe to people the feeling of all this sickness is that it feels like I was dying.  I know that sounds really dismal, seriously, it feels like poison is ripping through your veins and you are upon imminent death.  Sorry to be such a downer, it's just the truth.  My lungs are crackly and congested due to lying down for 10 days and being pretty much sedentary so they need some fresh air and lung physio rehab!
On to more positive things, since the sun is shining so brightly and it is such a glorious day I have been inspired to want to do something fun. So we are headed up island for a couple of days, one day in Parksville and then on to Tofino for Sunday and Monday!  I will have lots of great photos to post and surely will have something to say!  I'm really excited, and I haven't been excited for a long time!  So  I will post something in the next couple of days, maybe I can inspire you to get outside and enjoy our fine island yourself, or if you are not lucky enough to live on this beautiful west coast then get out and enjoy your outdoors wherever that may be.  x0x