I've been a bad girl!

I finally broke down and called the nurses line at the BCCA today.  I just couldn't take it anymore.  The pain has been non-stop in my legs and bones and the nausea is not letting up.  I really wish it would.  I have tried some pain meds they don't even touch it and the anti-nausea meds are just starting to work.  I don't think I'm a wimp, I mean after all, I did make it through four "natural" childbirths. So why do I feel like such a wimp now?
Back to the phone call......I spoke with the nurse and gave her the play by play of everything that I have been experiencing since Sunday morning.  She told me she would speak to the doctor and call me back.  Well, Dr. Bernstein herself called me back......and she was not happy with me.  I got the lecture about calling sooner and that I shouldn't leave things so long.  I told her I didn't call sooner because I knew she would make me come into triage or go to the hospital, and I was too sick to even get out of bed, let alone get to the hospital.  She warned me that she was "this" close to sticking me in an ambulance right now and bringing my butt into emergency.  I begged her not to and I agreed to come into triage at BCCA tomorrow.  OMG!!! I was a naughty patient! She gave me some orders over the phone to take my favourite (not so much) Dexamethasone (it's a steroid and should help with my pain) and some more Ondasetron (anti-nauseant.)  Remember the Dex was the one that made me crazy hyper in the first cycle and I was up all night and racing through Costco!  I hope that's not the case tonight.....imagine that I'll be wanting to run through the streets, and can't even stand up because my legs give out on me, like a baby deer. LOL
I am eating my pink popsicles and laying on the couch like a potato, a "Where's Waldo?" potato that is!

x0x

I may have spoke too soon!

I had a great day on Saturday which we would call day 2 of this chemo cycle.  I spent the day with my cousin and the kids making a video to apply for the Amazing Race Canada!  It was lots of fun and was a beautiful day outside.  In the evening I went to my dear friends 50th Birthday celebration.  It was so much fun and probably the best pot luck dinner I have ever been to.  That's what happens when you have a group of women who are fantastic cooks pull together a pot luck! Yummo!

It all came to a screaming halt on Sunday morning.  I woke up feeling nauseated and in throbbing bone ache agony.  Damn it! I thought this round was going to be different and symptom free.  Not so much, the pain is in my joints and bones it just aches all the time and comes in waves of intensity. It's mostly in my legs my knees and shins and then occasionally in my fingers and hands, it`s horrible.  Alma and Kimberly came over last night to watch the Oscars and I just layed here like a flopped fish.  Right after they left is when the vomiting commenced.  I have not actually thrown up through out any of my cycles until now.  It lasted through out last night and then the bowels got upset too.  Have you ever had to actually sit on the toilet while vomiting into a bucket?  Well sorry for the nasty visual but that was me! Holy Shizas......literally.  My Phil took it all in stride and got me settled into bed with some gravol for the vomiting and dilaudid for the pain.  The gravol helped me go to sleep the dilaudid did nothing for my pain. 
Today was not much better I`m sad to report.  I wish it were better, I think I`m going to have to wait this one out....again.  Aunty and Jennifer came and brought me Kraft Dinner and popsicles and thoroughly enjoyed my pyjama ensemble of multi coloured striped toque, shirt and pants!  You know I try to really look my best!   I looked like Waldo from "Where`s Waldo?"  It was quite funny.
So note to self:  Day 3,4 and possibly 5,6 of chemo cyle....ALWAYS SUCK!  I only have one more round to go. I don`t want to do this anymore, but I will persevere.  I think I can, I think I can!
x0x

3rd Round Successful!

I made it through round 3!  I was extremely nervous.  I was up at the "crack 'o' dawn" as I had to go get my blood work done first thing pre-chemo at VGH.  My chemo time was not until 12:00, and because I was up so early, I spent the morning making a butternut squash lasagna for my friends 50th birthday party tomorrow.  I love to cook and it was a new recipe to me, so it was a nice way to spend the morning.
Phil and I headed to the cancer agency a little early, parking is a pain in the ass, so I was not going to risk having my chemo delayed one more minute! They were not on schedule today and had no chemo chairs available.  I was brought in at 13:00.  I had a nurse that was new to me, she was lovely.  We got started pretty much right away and she set up to access my port a cath.  While she was accessing it with the needle, for no apparent reason I almost passed out.  My face drained of all colour and she said "Are you okay?" I said "yes" and then she said "no you're not let's lay you back."  LOL. I don't know why I always say I'm fine when I'm really not, I guess I always think it's going to go away.  Stupid logic.


Manuela and I with my samosa and champagne.

The Herceptin ran first over 30minutes and then I had a 30 minute observation after.  It seemed to go quite smoothly.  I had a few pop in visitors, Auntie, of course,  then Paula my fellow unit clerk buddy, and Manuela came and brought me samosas and champagne.  Real champagne!  It was a good omen that this round was going to go smoothly. 
The next drug was the new drug called Abraxane.  It was going to take 30 minutes to run and then I was good to go!  It went in without a hitch and I was unhooked and free to leave.   It was such a different round than the last two it was a relief.

My last round of chemo will be on March 13.  I am almost there, for this part at least.  Fingers crossed that I feel okay over the next few days. I'll keep you posted :P
Thank you for all your text messages and good luck wishes.  It really means a lot to have so many people thinking of me and supporting me through this. 
Tonight we will celebrate and go out to dinner with the family!
x0x

Hurry up and wait....

The last few days before my next round of chemo always seems to go so slow.  I fill my days with routine tasks and basically wait for the chemo day to come.  I was all ready to go get my blood work done at VGH outpatient lab when I got a phone call late this afternoon from the cancer agency telling me that the cancer agency pharmacy had called Dr. Bernstein's office to tell them that they did not have enough of my chemo drugs in stock and that my chemo time would have to be changed.  So now I am delayed two more days until Friday at 12:00.  SHIZAS!
I'm so disappointed, I just want to get this over with and I am so nervous about this new drug that I think it's going to be an Ativan sleep tonight!!

This whole process has been so much of the "hurry up and wait." I don't feel like I have had to wait a long time or extended periods of time, rather, it is just the long days of uncertainty and the unknown that just kill me. 
When I was diagnosed I had to wait nine days to get my MRI, now in BC medical terms I realize that's like winning the lottery, it wasn't that I thought that wasn't fast,  really I thought         "Oh God nine whole days?"  each of those days felt like a month! 
My surgeon's appointment was fifteen days from the day I was diagnosed and it was agonizing waiting to see her.  For those fifteen days that surgeon held my fate for the future of my boobies and she was out of town! After I saw the surgeon, I had a surgery date by the end of the day, it was another two weeks.  At this point I knew very little about my cancer, only the size of my tumour and type of cancer (Infiltrating ductal carcinoma.) This info was what the original biopsy provided.
The surgery was going to reveal whether my cancer had spread to my lymph nodes and what kind of cancer I had, oh ya it was also going to take a large chunk of my booby away too, that kinda sucked.  You can only imagine the anxiety.
Those were the days I spent sobbing uncontrollably in bed. The days I couldn't fall asleep because my pillow was drenched from the tears and I had to make midnight calls to my Auntie because Phil and I were both so upset, and couldn't get calmed down. 
After my surgery it was four weeks of painful recovery all the while I was waiting for my call from the Cancer Agency for my first appointment with an oncologist.  That was another thirty five days.
Of all my fears throughout this journey, the biggest fear I had was that I didn't want my kids to see me sick. I didn't want my kids to see my at my worst.  I'm their Mama and I'm the strong one, the one they can depend on, the one that keeps their worlds turning.  What was going to happen to me?
Then there was the big day with the medical oncologist when the fateful news of having to undergo chemotherapy came.   It was twenty days of agonizing and deliberating about what decision to make about my chemo treatment.   It was fifteen more days until I had my first round of chemo.  All in all, it really isn't a long time, it's just the days turn to weeks and the weeks are now months and I'm kinda tired of this cancer business!  It's a downer day today, I guess everyday can't be perfect.
So here I sit waiting, yet again, for chemo round three.  What's another two days really? 

x0x

The NEW chemo plan....

I had an appoinment with Dr. Bernstein at 13:00 at the Cancer Agency.  Auntie and I went and I told Phil to go to work as I want him to be with me on chemo day and he can't really miss anymore time at work. 
I got put in the clinic room and was sitting talking with Auntie when out of the corner of my eye I spotted Bonnie walking by!!  It was so nice to see her.  She looked beautiful and radiant and we had a brief pow-wow before Dr. Bernstein arrived to see me.  For those of you who don't know, Bonnie is my "Guardian Messenger" you can read my blog post about her.
Here's how the appointment went......Dr. Bernstein had thought she had come to the conclusion of what she wanted to do and then on Friday she did some more investigating and found an alternative plan to her original solution. 
The idea is that we want to keep me on the closest "cocktail" of chemotherapy as the original one I started with.  This plan she found on Friday was going to be the closest we could get to the original.  It was going to consist of three drugs Herceptin, Cyclophosphamide and Abraxane.  So the drug that has changed is the last one called Abraxane.  After some discussion and a Q&A period I decided I was going to drop the cyclophosphamide piece as this is the drug that made me so terribly ill last cycle and the increase of efficacy from using the cyclophophamide is really low, under 2% benefit, and really there is no real evidence to prove that it would increase at all anyway.
I will go on Wednesday 0900 for the next round. I am nervous about it, she originally wanted to run the dose of the Abraxane broken up over 3 doses doing one dose a week.  When I decided to drop the cyclophosphamide she said that she could run the full dose every three weeks with Herceptin and avoid having me come in every week.  It is a big dose of drug and it comes with it's own bag of tricks for side effects!  Some of them are muscle and joint pain, extreme fatigue, hair loss (which I already have!) and a variety of other lovely things. The reason this Abraxane is supposed to be a better choice is because it is not mixed with any solutions which is what they think I am allergic to.
SO, to sum this all up, I am having two more rounds of this new "cocktail" and we will see how this first dose goes.  I am really nervous, I'll make sure I put on my big girl underwear and have my ladyballs hanging low on Wednesday.
I have received so many encouraging and thoughtful messages and I thank you for every single one of them!
x0x

Time well spent...another great weekend!

I had a great weekend!  I'm on the upside right now, and taking full advantage.  We went to Courtney/Mt. Washington this weekend.  Phil and the kids went skiing for two days and I stayed in town and had the best visit with an old friend that I haven't seen in years. 

In a previous post I had talked about connecting with people in my life who may have been absent for a period of time and that I'm making a priority of who I want to have in my life and who doesn't belong. 
One of my mantra's is "History does not dictate friendship."
What I mean by that is, just because you have been friends with someone forever does not mean you have to stay friends with them forever.  People evolve over time and come in and out of your life for different reasons, and you are the one who chooses who you let come in and out of your life. 
The flip side to that mantra is history can also hold a relationship.  What I mean by this is, even though you may not see or talk to someone for a long time, years even, there are just people who have been in your life at one point and then you part ways for no particular reason, then when the time comes you can pick up right where you left off.  Just like you never spent any time apart. 

Well that's what this weekend was for me, picking up where I left off.  My dear friend Cathy came into my life almost 15 years ago, she and I became close friends fast when we met and spent lots of time together for a few years straight.  For no particular reason, life took over and we ended up going our different directions, her family moved out of town and as the story goes we lost touch.

We spent Friday afternoon and most of Saturday together, it was so much fun.  Cathy took me to all her favourite spots in Courtney, Comox and Cumberland and I felt like a princess!  We had lunch at Crown Isle Golf Course, went to a local chocolate shop/bakery called Hot Chocolates, and yesterday we went to the Cumberland Bakery for fresh made donuts and the Maple Noodle House for lunch!! We drove all through these beautiful neighbourhoods and beautiful scenic areas and talked for hours.  I got to see her children who are growing up so fast, and see her darling big bear of a husband who I just adore.  It was fantastic. We have already planned some time together at spring break in Tofino!  We talked so much we forgot to get a picture together!  The only one I did get was one of the cake I bought at the bakery.

I feel so very lucky to have such wonderful people in my life, not only did I get to reconnect with this lovely soul, I also got to see my best friend Kirsten of 23 years with her family, because they came to see us from Nanaimo and have a quick visit Friday night.  Then another fellow Victoria friend Miss Kimberly and Monsieur Paul were up skiing as well so we got to have a great evening with them Saturday night.

"My people" are the connection to reality and keeping life normal.  When I say "my people" it is anyone who has touched my life personally at some point.  I cherish all the relationships that I have built over my life and look forward to all the news ones that will come into my life in the future. 

I see the Medical Oncologist tomorrow and the future of my chemo will be determined.  Like I have said before "I'm in it to win it!" so I'll do anything to keep cancer out of my life forever.

x0x

Smooth as silk...my scalp that is....

Happy Valentine's Day to you <3   It was a lovely day and I got the cutest Valentine's text message and a lovely bouquet of red roses from my person.  I made spicy peanut noodle box for dinner with homemade spring rolls that were killer!
It was Monique night, she comes every Thursday.  We all look forward to it and the kids wait for her to play games, read books and help them with their homework.  After she tires them out, it's my turn and she rubs my scalp, shoulders and back.  Tonight was a little different for my head massage, all my little stubbles were coming off with the rubbing and piling up on my head and getting absolutely everywhere.  Monique had black shards all over her hands and arms and I had them all over my neck and shoulders.  We laughed about it and decided I needed to scrub my head with some sort of brush, so what did I do?  I got one of my ikea dish scrubbers (a new one) and took it into the shower and scrubbed my head.  It hasn't all come off yet, it is patchy, with some smooth spots and still some stubble spots.  It truly is the oddest feeling to have this bald head of mine.  I don't think I will ever really get used to it, nor do I really want to.  I can hardly wait until I'm finished this so my hair starts to grow back. I have accepted being hairless, for now, and look forward to having long locks again someday.
So now, I spend my time searching for my head scarves and my hats instead of looking for hair elastics.  In my house, hair elastics are like little rings of gold, so now when I get asked, "Mom, do you know where there is a hair elastic?" My response is "I'm bald, why would I know where there is a hair elastic?" that always gets a laugh.
I'm not so sensitive to being called "baldie" instead of "blondie" by Phil and I am thankful somedays for the amount of time it saves me to get ready for the day.  I used to have hair washing days, because of my long thick locks because it was a sixty minute procedure to wash and then blow dry my hair. I will take my scrubby into the shower everyday until it's smooth as silk!