Hurry up and wait....

The last few days before my next round of chemo always seems to go so slow.  I fill my days with routine tasks and basically wait for the chemo day to come.  I was all ready to go get my blood work done at VGH outpatient lab when I got a phone call late this afternoon from the cancer agency telling me that the cancer agency pharmacy had called Dr. Bernstein's office to tell them that they did not have enough of my chemo drugs in stock and that my chemo time would have to be changed.  So now I am delayed two more days until Friday at 12:00.  SHIZAS!
I'm so disappointed, I just want to get this over with and I am so nervous about this new drug that I think it's going to be an Ativan sleep tonight!!

This whole process has been so much of the "hurry up and wait." I don't feel like I have had to wait a long time or extended periods of time, rather, it is just the long days of uncertainty and the unknown that just kill me. 
When I was diagnosed I had to wait nine days to get my MRI, now in BC medical terms I realize that's like winning the lottery, it wasn't that I thought that wasn't fast,  really I thought         "Oh God nine whole days?"  each of those days felt like a month! 
My surgeon's appointment was fifteen days from the day I was diagnosed and it was agonizing waiting to see her.  For those fifteen days that surgeon held my fate for the future of my boobies and she was out of town! After I saw the surgeon, I had a surgery date by the end of the day, it was another two weeks.  At this point I knew very little about my cancer, only the size of my tumour and type of cancer (Infiltrating ductal carcinoma.) This info was what the original biopsy provided.
The surgery was going to reveal whether my cancer had spread to my lymph nodes and what kind of cancer I had, oh ya it was also going to take a large chunk of my booby away too, that kinda sucked.  You can only imagine the anxiety.
Those were the days I spent sobbing uncontrollably in bed. The days I couldn't fall asleep because my pillow was drenched from the tears and I had to make midnight calls to my Auntie because Phil and I were both so upset, and couldn't get calmed down. 
After my surgery it was four weeks of painful recovery all the while I was waiting for my call from the Cancer Agency for my first appointment with an oncologist.  That was another thirty five days.
Of all my fears throughout this journey, the biggest fear I had was that I didn't want my kids to see me sick. I didn't want my kids to see my at my worst.  I'm their Mama and I'm the strong one, the one they can depend on, the one that keeps their worlds turning.  What was going to happen to me?
Then there was the big day with the medical oncologist when the fateful news of having to undergo chemotherapy came.   It was twenty days of agonizing and deliberating about what decision to make about my chemo treatment.   It was fifteen more days until I had my first round of chemo.  All in all, it really isn't a long time, it's just the days turn to weeks and the weeks are now months and I'm kinda tired of this cancer business!  It's a downer day today, I guess everyday can't be perfect.
So here I sit waiting, yet again, for chemo round three.  What's another two days really? 

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