How do you tell your kids you have cancer?

One of the many questions that I have been asked is probably an obvious one and you may have thought it yourself
"How did you tell your kids you have cancer?"
Well to say the least, it was not easy, and it was one of our first questions to my GP, Dr. Ferg when she delivered the news of my diagnoses to us.  Her advice, which we took, was to not tell the little kids right away, rather, tell the older girls (who already knew something was up) and then wait until closer to my surgery date to tell the little kids.
My older girls Abby(14) and Georgia (11) already knew that something was up because they had seen my big ice pack patch that I was wearing the day I had the biopsy done.  I was really uncomfortable and Abby asked what was bothering me.  I told her I had the biopsy and she said right then "Is this what I think it is?"  so smart, I had to tell her what they were testing for.  I'm pretty upfront with my older girls they don't need sugar coating, in fact, they don't want sugar coating they want the whole story.

On the day of my diagnoses, I picked Abby up from school, I was nervous and didn't want to say it.  She kind of sensed something but had no idea what was really going to come out.  It was while we were driving, that I told her. I simply said that the testing I had done came back and that
"I have breast cancer, and I'm going to be okay."   Her reaction was what I expected, a very sad face and a look of concern and almost desperation.  I reassured her that this was going to be okay, and it is just a blip our road and we will get through this.  We talked about all her concerns and I told her, as I always do, that she can talk to me about it any time, any place it doesn't matter if it's the middle of the night she can come talk to me and Daddy (yes she still calls him Daddy at 14!)  She seemed content after our long discussion and I explained the plan to her of what was to come, testing (MRI) Dr.'s appointment's (Dr. Ross, surgeon) and then that surgery would take place.  I didn't know much else at that point. 
Next was to tell Georgia, I took her into my room by herself so we could have quiet.  She had no idea what was coming.  She knew about my biopsy, she just didn't know what it was for.  I told her the exact same thing as I did Abby, "I have breast cancer, and I'm going to be okay."  Her reaction was silence, and you could see the wheels ticking in her head.  She didn't have a lot of questions, which is unlike Georgia, I think the word cancer froze her into disbelief.  So I did most of the talking.  It was a calm and collected conversation, with lots of reassurance that everything would be okay.

Of course, I really didn't know everything was going to be okay.  Jeezuz, I wish I knew that!  I have a belief, and I truly have believed that this is going to be temporary and life will go on.

The little kids came next, it wasn't long before Stella (9) caught on that something was up.  She started asking questions, so it was time to tell her.  I told her quietly one night in her room, again I said the same thing, "I have breast cancer, and I'm going to be okay"  she looked puzzled and worried.  She had lots of different questions, when kids or anyone for that matter, hear the word cancer they immediately think death. We have NEVER used the word death surrounding MY cancer.  I have never felt it necessary.  It was ironic that about 2 weeks before she and Vinnie had participated in the Terry Fox run at their school, so there had been a lot of talk about cancer and his death in the past couple of weeks so I had to reassure her that my cancer was not the same as his, and that medicine now, is much better than when he was fighting cancer.  She seemed content with my explanation and we just gave her constant reassurance and answering of questions whenever she needed it. 
We told Mr. Vinnie(6) closer to my surgery date, about a month after I was diagnosed.  The other kids knew that we hadn't told him yet and were respectful of that choice to wait to tell him.  It's funny how the natural nurturing instinct kicks in with kids, all three girls were concerned for him and wanted it to be the right time to tell him.  We told him very matter of fact like, "Mama has to go to the hospital to have an operation to take out a little lump inside my breast."  He instantly had lots of questions and we sat an answered them one by one.  He is very inquisitive like most kids, and wanted to know about this "little lump" and eventually it lead to the naming of it, which was ultimately telling him that I had cancer.  He immediately referred to the Terry Fox run and all he knew about that, and it was a comfortable discussion that didn't seem to leave him any worse for the wear.  Thank goodness!
Some of the questions that my kids had were:
"Why did you get cancer?"  A: There is no reason, not even the doctors can tell me this.
"How did you get cancer?" A: There is no reason, not even the doctors can tell me this.
"Does it hurt?" A: Yes, and I am thankful for that, otherwise we would not have found it.  It won't hurt forever because the doctors are going to take it out.
"Will it be gone when they take it out?"  We hope so.

We kept it simple, and normal conversation.  I know it sounds odd to use normal and cancer in the same description, it is what we had to do.  Of course the answers to the questions above and the abundance of other questions were elaborated on in more detail.   The most important thing was to stop and answer those questions whenever they had one.  Believe me they come up at all different times!

The only thing I have kept from them is my fear. My fear is not "the dark place" in fact, I have never gone there.  My fear is around my kids, I didn't want my kids to see me sick, vulnerable, and weak.  Not because I have a hero's syndrome, it's because a parent's weakness brings an uncertainty to kids and uncertainty brings fear, and the last thing I wanted was my kids to be scared.  I was scared enough for all of us!

At every step along the way I have kept my kids informed and involved.  I believe that kids can't be kept in the dark about these kinds of things.  It just makes it worse, for you and for them.  Kids are smart and can handle a lot more than we give them credit for.  Letting them know they are worthy of knowing the important stuff helps them cope.  I think my kids are thankful for being informed and included.

 



This is my fight, it is a family battle.