Dahlia's in my garden

The sun is shining.... it's a glorious day.  Spring is on it's way and with that comes the end of March.  A time I have been envisioning since January 9, 2013, the day of my first chemo.  When people ask me how I am getting through this I really don't have a great answer.  Of course, I have tonnes of support from all of you, countless friends and family which is so important. Emotionally I'm not sure how I've coped.  I would like to say that I have coped fairly well, don't get me wrong I have had some really bad days, for the most part they have been pretty balanced.  I think I manage the stresses and the fear using visualization.  I'm not any sort of guru type person, I just like to have a way to know that at some point everything is going to be okay.  I have always done this.  I may be an irrational lunatic for the short term or in the moment, and then after some reflection I am able to pull back and play out the future in a more assuring way. Just like Christmas is to a child it takes forever to get there and then within a blink it's come and gone.  I'm not sure I could say these last two and half months have gone by with a blink, it's been more of a bad dream, it just hasn't taken as long as I thought it would feel.  Maybe that's the crazy in me, you know I did birth four kids so obviously my memory for pain and suffering isn't that great.....overall the time has not seemed to lag on.  I have kept on living and on my good days I take full advantage and go out of this house.  I make myself a "playdate" as I call it and meet up with friends and go do something.  It doesn't have to be much, some of my playdates have been going to the grocery store or costco and visiting while we shop.  Others have been a lunch date at a great restaurant or pub.  I have done a walmart playdate too.  I would like to start doing more outdoor walking playdates as my energy level returns after this last round of chemo.  I'm always looking for good conversation and someone fun to be around. Surrounding myself with positive people has been key to a healthy recovery.
I hope you all have a great weekend!

x0x

Here I find myself waiting again for the "big" day to come.  I go next Wednesday for my last round of the intensive chemotherapy.  I have a pretty positive outlook that it will go much better than last time.  I have a plan that Dr. B came up with that should combat the horrible bone pain and nausea.  I hope it works as we are going to attempt to go up island for a couple of days during spring break.

I always say school breaks are a catch"22."   On the one hand I get to sleep in everyday as there is no hustle and bustle of getting four kids out the door to school.  On the other they are all home and I have to find something to entertain them or they start to drive me batty. 
Being the mother of four I often get asked that question "How do you do it?"  My response is always, you just do it.  We don't know any other way, so it doesn't seem like a lot because we don't know what it would be like to have it any different. I guess one of the biggest reasons it is not so crazy is Phil and I have always believed that we want our kids to be independent, so we have set expectations that do not have them relying on us for everything. We have always forced independence on them in various ways. 
In doing so, I think, we have made our lives a lot less chaotic.  One way we have eliminated stress is to NOT DRIVE the kids everywhere.  I never signed up to become a taxi driver or "the Vidal transport system" when we started building our family.  Every opportunity we have had to have the kids get themselves to and from a place we take advantage of it.  ie. they can walk or take the bus!
We live extremely close to their elementary school and the kids have always walked to and from school.  They don't even have to cross a street, so why would I drive them.  Let me tell you, my kids have never complained, the biggest battles I have fought about them walking is with other parents!!  I had several cell phone calls on rainy/snowy days asking if I was going to come and pick them up because of the weather.  Now that our two oldest girls are going to other schools they have to catch the city bus to get there.  When I was a teenager I caught the city bus absolutely everywhere.  It was the only way I got around.  I was never driven or even considered asking for a ride( probably because I never wanted my mom to know what I was doing LOL!)
The three oldest kids have all been doing their own laundry for years.  I am also not a laundromat.  I think I started having them do it at around age 9.  I showed them how to do it properly and really it's not rocket science. Do they really you ask?  Yes, because when they run out of clean underwear and socks or can't put a whole outfit together, it's a fairly good motivator.  I don't care if they never fold and put it away, it's not my problem, I provide dressers for them, if they choose not to use them and wear wrinkled clothes that's their choice.  It may be that they are girls, I don't think so though, because tween/teen years self image is the be all and end all of their worlds so they usually opt not to leave the house without looking "just so."  I live by the same principles of keeping their rooms clean.  I don't have to live in there so why should I clean it up?  I do however enforce keeping the shared living space in the house clean, this is everywhere but their rooms. 
When I got diagnosed and knew I wasn't going to be able to run at full speed, I created a chore chart.  It works wonders.  There is no allowance or rewards for doing their chores (jeezuz they get everything they need and then some, within reason of course.)   Each kid has two (age appropriate) chores a day and that "helps" take care of the general maintenance of the house.  Don't get me wrong, there is still a tonne of stuff that doesn't get done and let's face it they are kids so I can't expect perfection!
I'm no expert I just do what's right for me and my family.  This is what works for us.  I have learned from others and only hope when I share, it is insightful for someone else.  The kids independence has proven to be essential during this hard time that we are going through.  I can stress just that "little bit less" because I know they are going to be ok. 
x0x

Totally off topic......

I often get my inspiration about what I am going to write from things I see and hear during the day.  Today is one of those examples.  This really isn't an inspiring post but more of a rant per say.
Many of you who read this are "my friend" on Facebook and may recall the post I made a couple of weeks ago about deleting people from your "friends" list who post nasty images of animals or humans being harmed or tortured.  I would find it hard to believe that if you have Facebook that you have not been exposed to one of these images. 
It makes me so furious that people actually "repost" these images thinking they are spreading a good message.  Seriously......???  What is even worse is that people are too worried about "offending" someone to delete them from their friends list on Facebook when they post these nasty images.  Seriously...???? Do you really want to even know someone who would consider posting these images, regardless of what of their opinion of the image is.  I don't care if they have been spammed or what, delete them.  The only way to send a message and have people pay attention is to start placing consequences for their actions, and if something as little as deleting people from FB is such a powerful and offensive tool then so be it.  Society needs to give their head a shake.  I had a gal tell me that her grandma was one of the people reposting these images and didn't know what to do.  I just told her " Bye Bye Grandma."  I don't care who you are.  I don't ever want to see things like that and as long as we all allow it, it will continue to happen.  All the posting of those images does is glorify the bastards who do those horrific things. Get it through your heads people.  If you can't stand up to people on FB what next?  I'm totally talking in my outside voice and just had to have a rant....if you agree with me feel free to share link this on your Facebook page.  Maybe we can get others to catch on. 
Social media is the most powerful tool, one day I am going to do really big things for deserving people, for now I'll stick to the small stuff.......as I always say get a set of "ladyballs" or just use the ones you got and start deleting the pricks off your Facebook friends list!
Nuff said.
x0x

Words can not express........

I'm at a loss for words....which doesn't come often! 

Today I was going to write about something more upbeat and positive, as the last couple posts have been such downers. 

I don't really have a choice now as this afternoon was one of the most touching and heart warming afternoons ever!


Christ Church Cathedral
Victoria, BC

My dear friend Sandhu dropped by for tea, and with him he brought the most generous gift.  He brought an $850 cash donation to my family that was collected because Sandhu raffled off one of his beautiful watercolour paintings.  I believe the raffle was held on 3NW (Cardiac Floor) at the Jubilee hospital, a place that I still hold dear to my heart, as it was my first permanent unit clerk job over five years ago.  I made so many friends and connections there that I can never let it go and therefore have always tried to pick up the occasional casual shift just to stay in touch.  I often visit my buddies on the floor and I'm always so happy to see their smiling faces and feel welcomed every time I stop by.  There are not enough "Thank-You's"  in this world to express my gratitude toward all who purchased a raffle ticket and contributed towards this gift.  It could not have come at a more needed time in our lives. THANK YOU! Phil and I are both so touched and grateful.
Another piece to this is, the person who won the painting that was being raffled off, donated it to me.  Miss Marian is what I have always called her and she is a special lady(RN) that I have always had a soft spot for, she is a real GEM. Thank-you Miss Marian.
Sandhu, you and Emily are just "GOOD PEOPLE" a true friendship that will last a lifetime to come, thank-you for donating your he(ART)work!
This brings me to my knees as receiving gifts is not something I do well.  I am a giver and love to give and receiving just does not come naturally to me.  I hope I can do right by all of you who are such an inspiration to me and help me get through each and every day. 

Here I was going to post about my morning gardening and BBQ hot dog lunch!
Thank you friends! All my love x0x

No good news.....

I wish I could have felt better so I could have posted over the last three days.  I don't have great news to report, this cycle seems to be kicking the crap out of me. 
Where to start?  I guess I'll start with Wednesday morning when I checked into the BCCA triage so Dr. Bernstein could assess me and see what to do with my sorry ass!  I was turning the corner (or so I thought) and was definitely less nauseous and my legs were starting to calm down with the bone and joint pain. They started me on IV fluids (via my handy dandy port a cath) and there I layed waiting for Dr. B to come and see me.  I hate lying on a stretcher and waiting for what seems to be nothing.  That's the reason I didn't call into the nurses line sooner because I knew that's what they would make me do, and I was in no shape to be there any sooner than when I did go in.  The only thing worse than lying on a stretcher when you're sick, is lying on a stretcher when your sick and vomiting!
Eventually Dr.B showed up and did her assessment. She ordered me to take the dexamethasone (the steroid that makes me high) for the next three days, as that would help with the nausea and the aches and pains I was still having. 
As for the next (and last) round of this ass kicking drug, she says I will take the dexamethasone right from day two instead of waiting for symptoms to kick in......ah ya that would be good.
Thursday was not really any better, I woke up feeling nauseated still and now my feet and hands were tingling and numb.  This neuropathy is also a side effect of the Abraxane.  It is very debilitating as I have no sensation in the bottoms of my feet so walking is difficult to say the least. My hands are puffy and my fingers and finger tips are tingling and sort of throbbing.  I have no energy and absolutely no ambition to do anything. Phil was off today, so I got showered and dressed and decided I would get out of the house for the first time in six days.  We did some grocery shopping and went to Sabhai Thai for lunch.  I was exhausted by the time we got home two hours later so I decided to just take it easy on the couch for the rest of the afternoon. 
Friday folks, not much better :(  The neuropathy in my hands and feet has worsened and I can't seem to get a handle on the general sick feeling I have. I did put myself together to go out with Auntie for a couple of hours and that nearly finished me off! 
I hate to be such a downer, I really wish I was much better.  I keep thinking I want to quit this now.  I want to be finished.  I can't take it anymore.  Phil does a good job of trying to reassure me that I will feel better soon and I only have one more nasty round to go.  Remember I have a whole year of the Herceptin still (every three weeks.) 
How do I stay motivated to carry on?  I go back to the day that I decided would embark on this journey of hell.  I remember the little faces of my kids who sat so innocently listening to me tell them about what Mama needed to do to stop this cancer from ever coming back.  I remember their little voices of wisdom who simply stated "you have to do it."
Ultimately you make decisions based on what is right for you, I have to say in this case my decision was based on what was right for my kids.  If I had it my way I would have found a way to believe that I could do without chemotherapy.  In the end my choice has been made and here I sit living with the effects of that choice.  Right now I think "what was I thinking?"  I remind myself that I treated this medically and not emotionally.  Funny how that works, you treat something with medical intervention and the effects of it are mostly emotional!
Here's to better days ahead....x0x

I've been a bad girl!

I finally broke down and called the nurses line at the BCCA today.  I just couldn't take it anymore.  The pain has been non-stop in my legs and bones and the nausea is not letting up.  I really wish it would.  I have tried some pain meds they don't even touch it and the anti-nausea meds are just starting to work.  I don't think I'm a wimp, I mean after all, I did make it through four "natural" childbirths. So why do I feel like such a wimp now?
Back to the phone call......I spoke with the nurse and gave her the play by play of everything that I have been experiencing since Sunday morning.  She told me she would speak to the doctor and call me back.  Well, Dr. Bernstein herself called me back......and she was not happy with me.  I got the lecture about calling sooner and that I shouldn't leave things so long.  I told her I didn't call sooner because I knew she would make me come into triage or go to the hospital, and I was too sick to even get out of bed, let alone get to the hospital.  She warned me that she was "this" close to sticking me in an ambulance right now and bringing my butt into emergency.  I begged her not to and I agreed to come into triage at BCCA tomorrow.  OMG!!! I was a naughty patient! She gave me some orders over the phone to take my favourite (not so much) Dexamethasone (it's a steroid and should help with my pain) and some more Ondasetron (anti-nauseant.)  Remember the Dex was the one that made me crazy hyper in the first cycle and I was up all night and racing through Costco!  I hope that's not the case tonight.....imagine that I'll be wanting to run through the streets, and can't even stand up because my legs give out on me, like a baby deer. LOL
I am eating my pink popsicles and laying on the couch like a potato, a "Where's Waldo?" potato that is!

x0x

I may have spoke too soon!

I had a great day on Saturday which we would call day 2 of this chemo cycle.  I spent the day with my cousin and the kids making a video to apply for the Amazing Race Canada!  It was lots of fun and was a beautiful day outside.  In the evening I went to my dear friends 50th Birthday celebration.  It was so much fun and probably the best pot luck dinner I have ever been to.  That's what happens when you have a group of women who are fantastic cooks pull together a pot luck! Yummo!

It all came to a screaming halt on Sunday morning.  I woke up feeling nauseated and in throbbing bone ache agony.  Damn it! I thought this round was going to be different and symptom free.  Not so much, the pain is in my joints and bones it just aches all the time and comes in waves of intensity. It's mostly in my legs my knees and shins and then occasionally in my fingers and hands, it`s horrible.  Alma and Kimberly came over last night to watch the Oscars and I just layed here like a flopped fish.  Right after they left is when the vomiting commenced.  I have not actually thrown up through out any of my cycles until now.  It lasted through out last night and then the bowels got upset too.  Have you ever had to actually sit on the toilet while vomiting into a bucket?  Well sorry for the nasty visual but that was me! Holy Shizas......literally.  My Phil took it all in stride and got me settled into bed with some gravol for the vomiting and dilaudid for the pain.  The gravol helped me go to sleep the dilaudid did nothing for my pain. 
Today was not much better I`m sad to report.  I wish it were better, I think I`m going to have to wait this one out....again.  Aunty and Jennifer came and brought me Kraft Dinner and popsicles and thoroughly enjoyed my pyjama ensemble of multi coloured striped toque, shirt and pants!  You know I try to really look my best!   I looked like Waldo from "Where`s Waldo?"  It was quite funny.
So note to self:  Day 3,4 and possibly 5,6 of chemo cyle....ALWAYS SUCK!  I only have one more round to go. I don`t want to do this anymore, but I will persevere.  I think I can, I think I can!
x0x