No good news.....

I wish I could have felt better so I could have posted over the last three days.  I don't have great news to report, this cycle seems to be kicking the crap out of me. 
Where to start?  I guess I'll start with Wednesday morning when I checked into the BCCA triage so Dr. Bernstein could assess me and see what to do with my sorry ass!  I was turning the corner (or so I thought) and was definitely less nauseous and my legs were starting to calm down with the bone and joint pain. They started me on IV fluids (via my handy dandy port a cath) and there I layed waiting for Dr. B to come and see me.  I hate lying on a stretcher and waiting for what seems to be nothing.  That's the reason I didn't call into the nurses line sooner because I knew that's what they would make me do, and I was in no shape to be there any sooner than when I did go in.  The only thing worse than lying on a stretcher when you're sick, is lying on a stretcher when your sick and vomiting!
Eventually Dr.B showed up and did her assessment. She ordered me to take the dexamethasone (the steroid that makes me high) for the next three days, as that would help with the nausea and the aches and pains I was still having. 
As for the next (and last) round of this ass kicking drug, she says I will take the dexamethasone right from day two instead of waiting for symptoms to kick in......ah ya that would be good.
Thursday was not really any better, I woke up feeling nauseated still and now my feet and hands were tingling and numb.  This neuropathy is also a side effect of the Abraxane.  It is very debilitating as I have no sensation in the bottoms of my feet so walking is difficult to say the least. My hands are puffy and my fingers and finger tips are tingling and sort of throbbing.  I have no energy and absolutely no ambition to do anything. Phil was off today, so I got showered and dressed and decided I would get out of the house for the first time in six days.  We did some grocery shopping and went to Sabhai Thai for lunch.  I was exhausted by the time we got home two hours later so I decided to just take it easy on the couch for the rest of the afternoon. 
Friday folks, not much better :(  The neuropathy in my hands and feet has worsened and I can't seem to get a handle on the general sick feeling I have. I did put myself together to go out with Auntie for a couple of hours and that nearly finished me off! 
I hate to be such a downer, I really wish I was much better.  I keep thinking I want to quit this now.  I want to be finished.  I can't take it anymore.  Phil does a good job of trying to reassure me that I will feel better soon and I only have one more nasty round to go.  Remember I have a whole year of the Herceptin still (every three weeks.) 
How do I stay motivated to carry on?  I go back to the day that I decided would embark on this journey of hell.  I remember the little faces of my kids who sat so innocently listening to me tell them about what Mama needed to do to stop this cancer from ever coming back.  I remember their little voices of wisdom who simply stated "you have to do it."
Ultimately you make decisions based on what is right for you, I have to say in this case my decision was based on what was right for my kids.  If I had it my way I would have found a way to believe that I could do without chemotherapy.  In the end my choice has been made and here I sit living with the effects of that choice.  Right now I think "what was I thinking?"  I remind myself that I treated this medically and not emotionally.  Funny how that works, you treat something with medical intervention and the effects of it are mostly emotional!
Here's to better days ahead....x0x