One sheep...two sheep....three sheep...four sheep....

Disclosure:  I'm emotionally unstable and completely high on Dexemethasone and it's the early morning hours of the night.

So here I sit at 01:59, hello night shift worker friends!  I took my Dexamethasone at 0800 this morning, I had a 1mg tab of Ativan at 12:00am and there is no going to sleep for me.  Soon I hope. I don't really have much to say other than my mind is going a mile a minute about absolutely everything I can think of. Finances, weight, children, laundry, dinners for the next week, marriage, you name it I think about it.  I have been off work now for 5 months and we are definitely feeling the strain. We have had so much help and kindness spread our way with meals and gifts and most recently a cash donation that took my breath away.  It is all so well received and so very needed I can't thank everyone enough.  Sidebar: I have 2 glass baking dishes that I can not find owners for, please feel free to call me to claim them. I would be happy to drop them off.
I have gained a total of 25lbs since the beginning of October!!!  Holy SHIZA's, I am at the end of my rope as I really don't have any more room to gain.  I mean come on people clothes can only stretch so much! I was never told until yesterday that women receiving breast cancer chemo will have weight gain, approx. 18-25lbs.  What am I having a baby here? OMG!! I nearly lost my mind.....apparently I have ZERO metabolism due to the chemo and am starving when I take the dexamethasone.  So I want to shove the food in and then it just gets kept as fat.  Nice. I read the riot act to my GPO doctor yesterday and said "Somebody in this place [BCCA] better find a way to help me get this off!" To add to the other lovely visual side effects of chemo, well there's the obvious, I'm completely bald sporting a baby chick(en) look, and my face looks like a road map because the acne has almost taken over!  Positive note: I still have eyebrows and eylashes......for now.
My kids are good, maybe could be a little more compassionate towards me, or maybe I'm asking too much. Not sure, just sayin, take notice when a soldier is down and fill in her duties for her! Oh ya and make me a cup of tea even if I don't ask for one....that would be nice.
I hate doing laundry, hence my children do their own. I hate everything about it.  I do like having clean laundry all folded and put away. So I am always looking for a way to make that happen without me having to interact with the actual laundry.....let me know if you have figured out a way for that to happen in your house.
Cooking dinner, seriously, worst job ever is coming up with what to make.  I love to cook and I'm a really good cook, I just hate coming up with the idea of what to cook.  I have a big list that I go through when I buy meats etc. to see what I can make with them.  If I prepare meals ahead of time I never want to eat them so I am not motivated to heat them up and serve them.  I don't know what my problem is, I guess the Queen doesn't fancy that tonight!  So I make myself something completely different.......Crazy!
Keeping the marriage balanced is really an important factor for me. YES people you can still want and have sex when you are going through chemo.  It might not be say... right now when I'm full of toxic fluids or while I'm nauseated and wanting to vomit, eventually you come around and you still want the intimacy with your spouse, or at least I do.  It's what keeps me feeling safe and somewhat grounded.  Don't get me wrong, it has been lowered on the priority list, it is just something I don't want to eliminate even if for a short time. 
Other miscellaneous mind jargle I can get out.....well I think about all my friends that have all their stuff going on in their lives, and wish I could be more supportive to them.  I think about all the people at work who I don't see anymore and miss very much my little chats with all my peeps.  I miss my actual job, and using my brain, I know that sounds a bit crazy, it's true though.  Mind you my brain is a bit off these days in some chemo fog moments let me tell you......I was in such fog last cycle I booked our whole spring break get away on the weeks the kid weren't even out of school!  Jeezuz, they already have 2 weeks off, as if I need to prolong that.  We can't really afford to go away but I'm finding a way! We need to do this for our family....I need to do this for me. It's not an elaborate plan but it's away time just the six of us.
I am getting tired of this cancer treatment business......I still have a long road ahead of me so suck it up buttercup.....this is what I tell myself.
That's pretty much it.....I wish I had the energy to sew, and that my last two projects were not so disappointing, and then I would get back at that in these moments of energy overload.
Okay, there it is, a verbal diarrhea of what I'm thinking about.
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