I still can't feel my fingers....

It has been a almost two weeks since I posted anything, I can't believe it!  I took a bit of a break . So settle in this might be a long one.
I have outrageous neuropathy in my fingers.  It feels like the pads of my fingers are going to explode because they are so nerve aggravated. My fingers are pretty swollen, they look like sausages, I am retaining some fluid from something, not sure what.  Typing is a huge challenge, along with buttons, chop sticks and anything that requires dexterity.  Otherwise I carry on as per usual.
The days after the last chemo left me very "weak in the knees" so to speak.....I had very poor stability and sometimes for no reason at all, my knees would just give out on me and I would nearly collapse.  So I spent a few days shuffling around, Phil says I remind him of Tim Conway as the old man from the Carol Burnett show (I loved that show, I used to skip junior high school in the afternoons with my friend and we would watch the reruns of the Carol Burnett Show!)

I had a medication plan that was supposed to combat most of the pain, neuropathy and nausea and vomiting.  I can say that the plan was sort of successful.  I took Dexamethasone (steroid) for a week everyday in the morning to help with nausea and neuropathy.  It helped with the nausea, I didn't feel sick at all this last round!! YAY for that.  It did absolutely nothing for the neuropathy and pain.  So I ended up taking a regime of Advil, Tylenol and Dilaudid (narcotic) to manage the intense pain.  The pain is not a separate ailment from the neuropathy, the pain comes with the neuropathy.  The best way to describe it is throbbing pins and needles (x100)  in my fingers(tips) and in my legs from the knees down.  It is a constant feeling and slowly my legs have "defrosted" and my feet are feeling better too.  It is only really in my fingertips now and they kinda feel like dog paws! I manage though and continue on like normal, well really because I kinda have to. 

So by day 6 post chemo I was ready to get out of the house and we left for our spring break trip I had planned.  We stayed in Nanaimo with my best friend Kirsten and her family for 2 nights and checked out the Nanaimo Aquatic Centre.  Kirsten and Clint had to work so we got to take "little Miss" as I call her, their 4 year old daughter.  We had the best day with her, we went swimming, and then White Spot for lunch and then I promised Kirsten a homemade mexican dinner.  I made traditional Mole with all the fixings, spanish rice, refried beans, guacamole with tostadas.  It was delicious and I was so happy to do something nice for my friend, that I know she always enjoys.  Little Miss had so much fun with the kids and it was sad to leave, I wish we had more time with them.  We left on Thursday morning for Tofino, to the same place we went back in February, this time we stayed for 4 nights.

Tofino is fantastic.  There is just a calmness about it that I feel no pressure to do anything.  The worst part about it is the drive up! Poor Vinnie succumbed to the windy roads and barfed just as we were coming into Tofino.  What a frantic scene that was!!! Quite funny after the fact, a nightmare during the chaos!
Otherwise we just go with the flow.  I love it there, so does the rest of my family.  Friday was absolutely so awsome I couldn't have asked for a better day.  I found a groupon last week, before we left, for surf lessons (Tofino Surf School) for the kids and yesterday they had their lessons! The guy (Jeffro) was so great with the kids and he was so easy going.  Phil got suited up too and went in to help with the kids and he even tried getting up (on the surf board.....) a few times too!  Getting into the wetsuits was almost as much fun as the actual surfing!  At least it was for me.....I wasn't trying to squeeze my big ass into one of those things.  Jeff had to get Phil a "ponch suit" as he called it......I would hate to know what he would have called a suit for me...HAHAHA.........a whale skin!
It was the most glorious day ever, blue sky no clouds the beach was amazing.  He took us to  Chesterman Beach which is in between McKenzie Beach and Long Beach.  I am attaching pictures.....
On Saturday our friends from Comox came up to stay as well.  We cooked them a big dinner and had a fabulous visit and hot tubbed talked until midnight.  On Sunday we had asked them to show us how to geocache.  They have been doing this for a couple of years and I knew the kids would really enjoy it.  It is kinda like a treasure hunt, on much larger scale.  We looked up how many "caches" were in Tofino and there were over 300 or something crazy like that!  It was so much fun and we found 6 in total.  We found some in town and on Monday morning we had a beautiful walk on the beach and the kids and Dad's found one at the end of the beach on a little island.  So great for the kids.  I do have to mention that we discovered another foodie place Big Daddy's Fish Fry!  We had the best coconut prawns ever!  They were huge and crispy and oh my god .......yummilicious!  We went on Friday before surfing and it was so good we had to take Cathy and Roy there on Sunday when we were out geocaching......soooooo good!
We hot tubbed 3-4 times a day and ate yummy food and walked on the beach and discovered new trails and had a really relaxing time.  It was just what I needed.

We came home on Monday, the drive went well, not car sick episodes, and we made it home in less than 4 hours which was really good time.  So we are back into the swing of things , kids back in school. 
Tuesday(26th) I had my appointment with Dr. Smith, the radiation oncologist. She did have some good news, I will probably only have to have 20 rounds of radiation now as opposed to the 33 she originally ordered.  I had my CT scan as well for the mapping for radiation, and they gave me my "tattoos" which are permanent marks that they make to line up the radiation beams every time I go in.  I will take a picture of that and post it so you can see (the radiation set-up, not my booby tattoos!)
I have a busy week next week, so we are going to have a nice Easter weekend.  I bought a 27lb turkey so we are having turkey dinner here and the family will come.  We are going out with Phil's family for a nice Easter lunch on Friday. 
I have another round of chemo on April 4, the herceptin only, and radiation starts on April 8. There are labs and another heart scan in there too!
So there's my verbal diarrhea of what the last two weeks has been for me.  I have also seen lots of people and enjoyed some nice visits with friends as well.  I hope you all have a great Easter and I will be back to posting more regularly now, so keep checking in!
x0x

Day 3.......doom's day!

Well it's day 3 again.......day 3 post chemo that is.  I have been following the "plan" that Dr. B set out for me and it is half way working.  I have no nausea or vomiting, the bone pain on the other hand is really horrible.  The pain set in yesterday afternoon around 14:00 and has not let up since.  I am taking dexamethasone (steroid for pain and nausea) Dilaudid (for pain) Tylenol (for pain) and Advil (for pain.)  I was taking the Ondansetron,as well, for nausea, it seems that is under control...or at least fingers crossed there are no surprise attacks.
I got out today all hopped up on pain killers with my cousin to help her pick out some new pants and so I sat in the change room and played fashion consultant.  It was nice just to get out.  I didn't go very far, from the car to the store and back again, I made it though.  Abby was my human crutch and we only had a couple close calls of me dropping to the ground, it just happens all of a sudden.  It feels like my legs are completely numb from my knees down and they just ache and really hurt.  Kinda like really awful shin splints with an ache that settles into your ankles.  Other than that I feel pretty good.
It was a beautiful day out so I am glad I didn't have to spend it in bed.  Phil and Georgia spent the day in Duncan at an invitational swim meet that Georgia was competing in and didn't get home until 2000.
I was able to call upon Vinnie's friend and Stella's friend to have them over to their houses for the day so they didn't have to sit around at home all day, and it allowed me to get out of the house for a an hour or so.  I can not express my extreme gratefulness to everyone and anyone who has helped us out with the kids and fed us great meals or just came over to entertain me.
It is so hard for me to ask for help and I feel like I owe a huge debt of gratitude to my friends and family.
I'm going to attempt to go to Georgia's meet tomorrow to cheer her on!  My future Olympian.
x0x

One sheep...two sheep....three sheep...four sheep....

Disclosure:  I'm emotionally unstable and completely high on Dexemethasone and it's the early morning hours of the night.

So here I sit at 01:59, hello night shift worker friends!  I took my Dexamethasone at 0800 this morning, I had a 1mg tab of Ativan at 12:00am and there is no going to sleep for me.  Soon I hope. I don't really have much to say other than my mind is going a mile a minute about absolutely everything I can think of. Finances, weight, children, laundry, dinners for the next week, marriage, you name it I think about it.  I have been off work now for 5 months and we are definitely feeling the strain. We have had so much help and kindness spread our way with meals and gifts and most recently a cash donation that took my breath away.  It is all so well received and so very needed I can't thank everyone enough.  Sidebar: I have 2 glass baking dishes that I can not find owners for, please feel free to call me to claim them. I would be happy to drop them off.
I have gained a total of 25lbs since the beginning of October!!!  Holy SHIZA's, I am at the end of my rope as I really don't have any more room to gain.  I mean come on people clothes can only stretch so much! I was never told until yesterday that women receiving breast cancer chemo will have weight gain, approx. 18-25lbs.  What am I having a baby here? OMG!! I nearly lost my mind.....apparently I have ZERO metabolism due to the chemo and am starving when I take the dexamethasone.  So I want to shove the food in and then it just gets kept as fat.  Nice. I read the riot act to my GPO doctor yesterday and said "Somebody in this place [BCCA] better find a way to help me get this off!" To add to the other lovely visual side effects of chemo, well there's the obvious, I'm completely bald sporting a baby chick(en) look, and my face looks like a road map because the acne has almost taken over!  Positive note: I still have eyebrows and eylashes......for now.
My kids are good, maybe could be a little more compassionate towards me, or maybe I'm asking too much. Not sure, just sayin, take notice when a soldier is down and fill in her duties for her! Oh ya and make me a cup of tea even if I don't ask for one....that would be nice.
I hate doing laundry, hence my children do their own. I hate everything about it.  I do like having clean laundry all folded and put away. So I am always looking for a way to make that happen without me having to interact with the actual laundry.....let me know if you have figured out a way for that to happen in your house.
Cooking dinner, seriously, worst job ever is coming up with what to make.  I love to cook and I'm a really good cook, I just hate coming up with the idea of what to cook.  I have a big list that I go through when I buy meats etc. to see what I can make with them.  If I prepare meals ahead of time I never want to eat them so I am not motivated to heat them up and serve them.  I don't know what my problem is, I guess the Queen doesn't fancy that tonight!  So I make myself something completely different.......Crazy!
Keeping the marriage balanced is really an important factor for me. YES people you can still want and have sex when you are going through chemo.  It might not be say... right now when I'm full of toxic fluids or while I'm nauseated and wanting to vomit, eventually you come around and you still want the intimacy with your spouse, or at least I do.  It's what keeps me feeling safe and somewhat grounded.  Don't get me wrong, it has been lowered on the priority list, it is just something I don't want to eliminate even if for a short time. 
Other miscellaneous mind jargle I can get out.....well I think about all my friends that have all their stuff going on in their lives, and wish I could be more supportive to them.  I think about all the people at work who I don't see anymore and miss very much my little chats with all my peeps.  I miss my actual job, and using my brain, I know that sounds a bit crazy, it's true though.  Mind you my brain is a bit off these days in some chemo fog moments let me tell you......I was in such fog last cycle I booked our whole spring break get away on the weeks the kid weren't even out of school!  Jeezuz, they already have 2 weeks off, as if I need to prolong that.  We can't really afford to go away but I'm finding a way! We need to do this for our family....I need to do this for me. It's not an elaborate plan but it's away time just the six of us.
I am getting tired of this cancer treatment business......I still have a long road ahead of me so suck it up buttercup.....this is what I tell myself.
That's pretty much it.....I wish I had the energy to sew, and that my last two projects were not so disappointing, and then I would get back at that in these moments of energy overload.
Okay, there it is, a verbal diarrhea of what I'm thinking about.
x0x

Chemo round 4!

Rays of Sunshine.....a sign of light and hope!
McKenzie Beach, Tofino BC

It went well today.  I was extremely anxious to the point where I was almost in tears and nauseous.  Phil was with me so he just talked me through it as they accessed my port a cath. I wasn't hyper-ventilating or anything just a quiet anxiety none the less it is not a nice feeling. I feel really lucky that all it takes is a look and he knows what I need.  The real deal with rear it's ugly head usually by the third day post chemo.  Let's hope the steroid and anti-emetic plan keeps me pain free and my head out of the toilet.
I'm relieved the last of the intensive treatment is complete. I have been waiting for this day to come.  I wish I could be more celebratory, I still have such a long road ahead of me I can't get excited yet. 
Next up is radiation, I got my dates today.  It is going to creep up on me really fast.  I start on
April 8, 2013 and I have 32 days of radiation.  It will be Monday to Friday with weekends and any holidays off.  I have 28 scheduled zaps and 5 boosters as they call them.  I will go for a CT scan on
March 26, 2013 for the radiation oncologist to map out my radiation and I will be tattooed at some point in the locations of where they will position the lasers.  The radiation routine is very short I am told, in fact one patient said taking her clothes off took longer than getting the radiation!  The side effects of it are extreme fatigue mostly and you have a mild to moderate "sun burn" on your area of radiation......first time I'll ever have a sunburn on my booby!!
It will be more of a pain in the ass to get there everyday as it is across town from me.  I'm hoping for some sort of regular schedule. Fingers crossed for that. 
As for the rest of today, I'm quite tired and am just going to lay around and relax. I made dinner yesterday so we are ready to go. 
Here's to a good next couple of days....thank you for all the text messages and good wishes. They all come at just the right time!
x0x

Calla Lily in my garden

We had a nice weekend. Phil and I had some alone time at Brentwood Spa and Resort and enjoyed a nice dinner at the pub and I had a facial at the spa.  I planned it about two months ago when they were offering a groupon and I am so glad I did.  It was a much needed relaxing get away even if it was only one night.
We had an exciting evening on Friday because Vinnie lost his first tooth! He has no idea where the tooth went and the tooth fairy brough him $5, he figures it's because he couldn't find the tooth.
Sunday night was lovely, we went to the Singh family's house for a fabulous curry dinner. Such a treat.  I didn't have to cook the whole weekend. I love that.

Tomorrow is testing day.  I have an appointment with Dr. Battershill for my pre-chemo check in and my bloodwork which they are going to draw from my port a cath for me.

Today was the first day of spring break so the kids were all home and of course bored. So we met up with my cousin Jennifer and went to Costco for a fancy hot dog lunch and some shopping.  I always say Costco is $100/hr and it didn't disappoint today. I bought absolutely nothing interesting and still left spending $91.00 and didn't even have a complete dinner to put together. 
So we really didn't have too exciting of a day and I am starting to get a little anxious about Wednesday. 
I have been having some dizzy spells late this afternoon, not sure why, I will have to let the doctor know tomorrow at my check in.
I will have lots more interesting things to post over the next few days when the chemo starts again.  For now I can say I feel pretty good. 
x0x Carla

Dahlia's in my garden

The sun is shining.... it's a glorious day.  Spring is on it's way and with that comes the end of March.  A time I have been envisioning since January 9, 2013, the day of my first chemo.  When people ask me how I am getting through this I really don't have a great answer.  Of course, I have tonnes of support from all of you, countless friends and family which is so important. Emotionally I'm not sure how I've coped.  I would like to say that I have coped fairly well, don't get me wrong I have had some really bad days, for the most part they have been pretty balanced.  I think I manage the stresses and the fear using visualization.  I'm not any sort of guru type person, I just like to have a way to know that at some point everything is going to be okay.  I have always done this.  I may be an irrational lunatic for the short term or in the moment, and then after some reflection I am able to pull back and play out the future in a more assuring way. Just like Christmas is to a child it takes forever to get there and then within a blink it's come and gone.  I'm not sure I could say these last two and half months have gone by with a blink, it's been more of a bad dream, it just hasn't taken as long as I thought it would feel.  Maybe that's the crazy in me, you know I did birth four kids so obviously my memory for pain and suffering isn't that great.....overall the time has not seemed to lag on.  I have kept on living and on my good days I take full advantage and go out of this house.  I make myself a "playdate" as I call it and meet up with friends and go do something.  It doesn't have to be much, some of my playdates have been going to the grocery store or costco and visiting while we shop.  Others have been a lunch date at a great restaurant or pub.  I have done a walmart playdate too.  I would like to start doing more outdoor walking playdates as my energy level returns after this last round of chemo.  I'm always looking for good conversation and someone fun to be around. Surrounding myself with positive people has been key to a healthy recovery.
I hope you all have a great weekend!

x0x

Here I find myself waiting again for the "big" day to come.  I go next Wednesday for my last round of the intensive chemotherapy.  I have a pretty positive outlook that it will go much better than last time.  I have a plan that Dr. B came up with that should combat the horrible bone pain and nausea.  I hope it works as we are going to attempt to go up island for a couple of days during spring break.

I always say school breaks are a catch"22."   On the one hand I get to sleep in everyday as there is no hustle and bustle of getting four kids out the door to school.  On the other they are all home and I have to find something to entertain them or they start to drive me batty. 
Being the mother of four I often get asked that question "How do you do it?"  My response is always, you just do it.  We don't know any other way, so it doesn't seem like a lot because we don't know what it would be like to have it any different. I guess one of the biggest reasons it is not so crazy is Phil and I have always believed that we want our kids to be independent, so we have set expectations that do not have them relying on us for everything. We have always forced independence on them in various ways. 
In doing so, I think, we have made our lives a lot less chaotic.  One way we have eliminated stress is to NOT DRIVE the kids everywhere.  I never signed up to become a taxi driver or "the Vidal transport system" when we started building our family.  Every opportunity we have had to have the kids get themselves to and from a place we take advantage of it.  ie. they can walk or take the bus!
We live extremely close to their elementary school and the kids have always walked to and from school.  They don't even have to cross a street, so why would I drive them.  Let me tell you, my kids have never complained, the biggest battles I have fought about them walking is with other parents!!  I had several cell phone calls on rainy/snowy days asking if I was going to come and pick them up because of the weather.  Now that our two oldest girls are going to other schools they have to catch the city bus to get there.  When I was a teenager I caught the city bus absolutely everywhere.  It was the only way I got around.  I was never driven or even considered asking for a ride( probably because I never wanted my mom to know what I was doing LOL!)
The three oldest kids have all been doing their own laundry for years.  I am also not a laundromat.  I think I started having them do it at around age 9.  I showed them how to do it properly and really it's not rocket science. Do they really you ask?  Yes, because when they run out of clean underwear and socks or can't put a whole outfit together, it's a fairly good motivator.  I don't care if they never fold and put it away, it's not my problem, I provide dressers for them, if they choose not to use them and wear wrinkled clothes that's their choice.  It may be that they are girls, I don't think so though, because tween/teen years self image is the be all and end all of their worlds so they usually opt not to leave the house without looking "just so."  I live by the same principles of keeping their rooms clean.  I don't have to live in there so why should I clean it up?  I do however enforce keeping the shared living space in the house clean, this is everywhere but their rooms. 
When I got diagnosed and knew I wasn't going to be able to run at full speed, I created a chore chart.  It works wonders.  There is no allowance or rewards for doing their chores (jeezuz they get everything they need and then some, within reason of course.)   Each kid has two (age appropriate) chores a day and that "helps" take care of the general maintenance of the house.  Don't get me wrong, there is still a tonne of stuff that doesn't get done and let's face it they are kids so I can't expect perfection!
I'm no expert I just do what's right for me and my family.  This is what works for us.  I have learned from others and only hope when I share, it is insightful for someone else.  The kids independence has proven to be essential during this hard time that we are going through.  I can stress just that "little bit less" because I know they are going to be ok. 
x0x

Totally off topic......

I often get my inspiration about what I am going to write from things I see and hear during the day.  Today is one of those examples.  This really isn't an inspiring post but more of a rant per say.
Many of you who read this are "my friend" on Facebook and may recall the post I made a couple of weeks ago about deleting people from your "friends" list who post nasty images of animals or humans being harmed or tortured.  I would find it hard to believe that if you have Facebook that you have not been exposed to one of these images. 
It makes me so furious that people actually "repost" these images thinking they are spreading a good message.  Seriously......???  What is even worse is that people are too worried about "offending" someone to delete them from their friends list on Facebook when they post these nasty images.  Seriously...???? Do you really want to even know someone who would consider posting these images, regardless of what of their opinion of the image is.  I don't care if they have been spammed or what, delete them.  The only way to send a message and have people pay attention is to start placing consequences for their actions, and if something as little as deleting people from FB is such a powerful and offensive tool then so be it.  Society needs to give their head a shake.  I had a gal tell me that her grandma was one of the people reposting these images and didn't know what to do.  I just told her " Bye Bye Grandma."  I don't care who you are.  I don't ever want to see things like that and as long as we all allow it, it will continue to happen.  All the posting of those images does is glorify the bastards who do those horrific things. Get it through your heads people.  If you can't stand up to people on FB what next?  I'm totally talking in my outside voice and just had to have a rant....if you agree with me feel free to share link this on your Facebook page.  Maybe we can get others to catch on. 
Social media is the most powerful tool, one day I am going to do really big things for deserving people, for now I'll stick to the small stuff.......as I always say get a set of "ladyballs" or just use the ones you got and start deleting the pricks off your Facebook friends list!
Nuff said.
x0x

Words can not express........

I'm at a loss for words....which doesn't come often! 

Today I was going to write about something more upbeat and positive, as the last couple posts have been such downers. 

I don't really have a choice now as this afternoon was one of the most touching and heart warming afternoons ever!


Christ Church Cathedral
Victoria, BC

My dear friend Sandhu dropped by for tea, and with him he brought the most generous gift.  He brought an $850 cash donation to my family that was collected because Sandhu raffled off one of his beautiful watercolour paintings.  I believe the raffle was held on 3NW (Cardiac Floor) at the Jubilee hospital, a place that I still hold dear to my heart, as it was my first permanent unit clerk job over five years ago.  I made so many friends and connections there that I can never let it go and therefore have always tried to pick up the occasional casual shift just to stay in touch.  I often visit my buddies on the floor and I'm always so happy to see their smiling faces and feel welcomed every time I stop by.  There are not enough "Thank-You's"  in this world to express my gratitude toward all who purchased a raffle ticket and contributed towards this gift.  It could not have come at a more needed time in our lives. THANK YOU! Phil and I are both so touched and grateful.
Another piece to this is, the person who won the painting that was being raffled off, donated it to me.  Miss Marian is what I have always called her and she is a special lady(RN) that I have always had a soft spot for, she is a real GEM. Thank-you Miss Marian.
Sandhu, you and Emily are just "GOOD PEOPLE" a true friendship that will last a lifetime to come, thank-you for donating your he(ART)work!
This brings me to my knees as receiving gifts is not something I do well.  I am a giver and love to give and receiving just does not come naturally to me.  I hope I can do right by all of you who are such an inspiration to me and help me get through each and every day. 

Here I was going to post about my morning gardening and BBQ hot dog lunch!
Thank you friends! All my love x0x

No good news.....

I wish I could have felt better so I could have posted over the last three days.  I don't have great news to report, this cycle seems to be kicking the crap out of me. 
Where to start?  I guess I'll start with Wednesday morning when I checked into the BCCA triage so Dr. Bernstein could assess me and see what to do with my sorry ass!  I was turning the corner (or so I thought) and was definitely less nauseous and my legs were starting to calm down with the bone and joint pain. They started me on IV fluids (via my handy dandy port a cath) and there I layed waiting for Dr. B to come and see me.  I hate lying on a stretcher and waiting for what seems to be nothing.  That's the reason I didn't call into the nurses line sooner because I knew that's what they would make me do, and I was in no shape to be there any sooner than when I did go in.  The only thing worse than lying on a stretcher when you're sick, is lying on a stretcher when your sick and vomiting!
Eventually Dr.B showed up and did her assessment. She ordered me to take the dexamethasone (the steroid that makes me high) for the next three days, as that would help with the nausea and the aches and pains I was still having. 
As for the next (and last) round of this ass kicking drug, she says I will take the dexamethasone right from day two instead of waiting for symptoms to kick in......ah ya that would be good.
Thursday was not really any better, I woke up feeling nauseated still and now my feet and hands were tingling and numb.  This neuropathy is also a side effect of the Abraxane.  It is very debilitating as I have no sensation in the bottoms of my feet so walking is difficult to say the least. My hands are puffy and my fingers and finger tips are tingling and sort of throbbing.  I have no energy and absolutely no ambition to do anything. Phil was off today, so I got showered and dressed and decided I would get out of the house for the first time in six days.  We did some grocery shopping and went to Sabhai Thai for lunch.  I was exhausted by the time we got home two hours later so I decided to just take it easy on the couch for the rest of the afternoon. 
Friday folks, not much better :(  The neuropathy in my hands and feet has worsened and I can't seem to get a handle on the general sick feeling I have. I did put myself together to go out with Auntie for a couple of hours and that nearly finished me off! 
I hate to be such a downer, I really wish I was much better.  I keep thinking I want to quit this now.  I want to be finished.  I can't take it anymore.  Phil does a good job of trying to reassure me that I will feel better soon and I only have one more nasty round to go.  Remember I have a whole year of the Herceptin still (every three weeks.) 
How do I stay motivated to carry on?  I go back to the day that I decided would embark on this journey of hell.  I remember the little faces of my kids who sat so innocently listening to me tell them about what Mama needed to do to stop this cancer from ever coming back.  I remember their little voices of wisdom who simply stated "you have to do it."
Ultimately you make decisions based on what is right for you, I have to say in this case my decision was based on what was right for my kids.  If I had it my way I would have found a way to believe that I could do without chemotherapy.  In the end my choice has been made and here I sit living with the effects of that choice.  Right now I think "what was I thinking?"  I remind myself that I treated this medically and not emotionally.  Funny how that works, you treat something with medical intervention and the effects of it are mostly emotional!
Here's to better days ahead....x0x