Dropping the LB.'S........

In efforts to get this chemo weight and then some off I went to Jazzercise for the first time on Tuesday night with my supporter and sister-in-law Kristy. I want to say that I am desperately trying to get some weight off, I'm really not desperate I'm just well.....desperate I guess you could say.  I know it's going to take time and I have got my head wrapped around that.  I have tried all the gimmicks and fast losing diets out there and they have worked for me....the problem, the weight never completely stays off.  I have struggled for almost 14 years with my weight now, longer than I ever imagined I would.
Don't get me wrong I'm not that girl who hates her body blah blah blah.......I just feel like I'm a skinny chick stuck in a big girls body.  All I need to do now is break out of this shell!
Breaking free is the hard part, thus, I started back to Jazzercise.  I haven't been able to exercise regularly or want to for that matter for almost 5 months due to the way my treatments have left me feeling. I was completely de-conditioned and need to slowly reintegrate exercise back into my life. My hope is that this will jumpstart my metabolism again and maybe some pounds will come off, along with some clean eating and portion control this sounds like a perfect remedy!
When I first started going for walks during my chemo, usually once or twice a week, I could only do about 10-15mins with lots of rest stops. Some days I couldn't even entertain the thought of lifting my feet off the ground.  I was up to walking about 45 mins without feeling exhausted and completely spent.  So I decided I would head back to Jazzercise, with my favourite instructor Laura! I also thought it would be good motivation to have a buddy so I invited Kristy to join me and she said she would!
So Tuesday night was the day, I almost bailed on going, hence having a buddy to hold me accountable to show up! I thoroughly enjoyed the class, the music and seeing some of my buddies from when I went two years ago.  I couldn't believe I made it through the whole class, it is an hour long and pretty intense at times, I persevered and did what I could and finished.
The after effects, I am stiff as a board!!  My hips are almost in lock down and are revolting against any movement what's so ever! That's ok though, it will get easier and recovery will get less and less!  I read some quote somewhere that said something like "The pain your feeling today, means a good gain today." I don't know it was close to that, so I'm going with it!
So herein lies the official start of my weight loss journey......I'll post about it and my friend Diane has said she'll even take progress photos!! I gotta have something to talk about!
PS. My booby is still really sore and quite raw, I'm managing and it is getting better.
x0x

The Nipple Dilemma........

This is a post that should be titled "The things they don't tell you when undergoing breast radiation."  As of today I am 11 days post radiation therapy.  I had my last radiation followed by a doctors appointment on that last day.  The doctor reminded me that radiation has a cumulative effect, which means it continues to work even after you have finished the radiation treatment.  This also means that your skin will also have cumulative effects that may or may not occur for approximately the next 2-3 weeks post radiation.  What they don't tell you is how BAD those skin effects can really get.  So falling short of posting a picture of my poor booby, because it is really that bad, I spared those with a queasy stomach of my nightmare.
On Friday, 4 days ago, while having a visit with my friend Diane, we were wrapping up and I asked her if she wanted to see my boob.  I show everyone my boob, because frankly, I have not had one person say no!
So I began to take off my bra the same way we all take off our bras, and as I took the shoulder strap off my left shoulder and removed the bra cup from my boob it ripped about 10 layers of skin from my areola (the round part around the nipple) and oh ya, 3/4 of my nipple became detached from my body!!!!! HOLY SHIZAS!!!  YES IT HURT! Diane and I were both in shock and really didn't know how to respond to what just happened.  I had NO IDEA this was even a possibility of the extreme effects that could be!! I guess they don't tell you this could be a possibility as most women would run screaming from the doctors office and probably reject radiation therapy all together!
Thankfully Diane is a nurse and she got it all dressed in gauze and what ever I had on hand and tucked me back into another bra for the night. 
I called the radiation oncologist first thing in the morning and told her my problemo! It was at least promising that she didn't seem phased by my description and ordered cold compresses and air dry the breast wearing a cotton shirt, as much as possible for the rest of the weekend.  She reassured me that she was going to be on call all weekend and if I really needed to see her I could go into RJH Emergency and she would see me. 
I made it through the rest of the weekend, I spent most of it at the swimming pool doing the photography for Georgia's swim meet and had a nice Mother's Day with the family on Sunday hanging out together. 
I managed to make it until Monday when the doctor had told me to call BCCA first thing and get into see a wound care nurse so she could assess it and get me sorted out.  I got in right away and the nurse did a saline soak and cleaned me up really well, yes that hurt too.  She said the wound was still very open and decided that a antibacterial skin healing cream would be a good option for me.  She creamed me up and dressed the wound with anti-stick gauze and sent me on my way. 
It is looking better today, still very stingy and sore, I do think the cream is working and it is going to heal.  Hopefully sooner than later.
So there you have it.....another tidbit of information you may or may not have known about breast cancer treatment! It can only go up from here......I hope.
x0x

Radiation FINISHED!!!!!!!

Well there is some cause for celebration!!!  I have finished radiation!  Yay! 20 rounds completed.  It was so nice to walk out of the cancer agency on Friday knowing I don't have to go back next week.  It has been a long haul, everyday back and forth is exhausting in itself.  The treatments were okay they were only 4minutes long were tolerable.  Radiation has a cumulative effect which means I will still have effects for the next couple of weeks.  The fatigue and some more skin breakdown possibly on the booby that was being attacked!  It is bright red, and there is just no explanation that can tell you how sore and raw the nipple is.  It will all heal in time, it's only a temporary reaction.
I have had a fairly good last couple of weeks, besides trying to get rid of this cold things have been relatively normal.
The weather is outstanding and yesterday we spent some time at Esquimalt Lagoon.  We had an impromptu BBQ dinner with friends at our house and it was great. 
I was very careful to sunscreen the area of my chest that is exposed to the sun that had radiation.  In fact I did such a good job I left finger markings on my shoulder that were covered with sunscreen and forgot to do the rest of my arms! So needless to say I was a lobster last night.  Good thing for aloe vera plants.
Life has been pretty good.

So now the rest of my treatment is every 21 days of Herceptin which is given through my portacath at the cancer agency until January 2014.  I will not return to work until I have completed all this treatment as it is advised to keep stress away and my job is quite stressful in itself, let alone organizing my life to enable me to get to work!
I am also going on June 6, 2013 to have my hereditary testing done which will determine if I am the genetic carrier of this breast cancer.  They are looking to see if I am BRCA1 or BRCA2 positive. What that means is if I am determined to be the carrier that my children are at a much higher risk of having breast cancer.  The testing is very straight forward it is just a blood test, the results however take months to get as they watch the sample and follow the chain of DNA. It is a piece of this that of course makes me uneasy, at this point I'm not losing sleep over it as there is not much I can do about it.  No sense worrying twice about it!

So that's that I will still keep writing and post on FB when I have done a new post.  I hope to write about some heartwarming stories that I have experienced through out this journey so far.  I think they are the best kind to share.
Have a great week and thank you for your support!
x0x

My first cold in six months......

Well I made it 6 months without getting any kind of cold or flu bug!  I definitely have one now, sniffles, cough, sore throat....you know the works!  I guess I did really well getting through all my early treatment fairly unscathed from an outside infection.  I'm onto the Advil Plus cold & sinus remedy so I can get through this week. I think that's where my headaches came from last week, it was the brewing of this virus that I have.
I am starting my third week (11/20) of radiation today and hopefully it doesn't knock the life outta me having this cold.   I'm taking my cousin Jennifer with me today so she can see what the radiation treatment looks like.  The people at the radiation clinic are so nice they always encourage you to include your family and friends.  It makes it a whole lot nicer for me to share what I'm going through.
The weekend was pretty good, we didn't really get up to too much, I wasn't feeling great so I had little motivation to do anything. I did go for a girls night on Saturday with Monique to dinner at My-Chosen café and then we watched a couple of movies at her house.  She spent the entire duration of one movie giving me a head and neck massage.  It was so relaxing. 
The girls swim tournaments went well Saturday and Sunday.  I ended up sending Phil to be the tournament photographer on Sunday because I was so sick on Sunday morning that I couldn't get out of bed. :-(  I was really looking forward to that. Next time I guess.
The weather was pretty crappy so no gardening got done, Phil did cut the lawn, that always makes everything look so nice.  We are getting ready to plant some baskets and planters as soon as it warms up a wee bit.  I really want to do a small veggie garden this year, Phil is not really on board with it cause he will have to construct some sort of area for that to happen!  I always have a long list of things for Phil too do.  It is more like a wish list which is really starting to get longer and longer.  I even have a board on my Pinterest site called Phil's to do list! I also have another one called gardening 101 if you are interested in really cool ideas for your garden.
Other than that, it's Monday again and we are back to the routine.  I hope you all have a great week! I'll write again soon.
x0x

Radiation 1/2 way done!!!!!

I often find myself wondering what to write about.  I have lots to say, just not sure if it comes across as preaching or just telling my side. 
I am not a religious person by any means, I can honestly say I do feel blessed for the support and love that I have received over these last 6 months of this journey.  I still have a long road ahead of me and for me I can't celebrate until that final Herceptin treatment happens......trust me that will be a celebration! 
I still can't believe how popular this blog has been and how much people are enjoying reading it, and all the great stories I have heard about people sharing it with others who they thought would like it.  Maybe I'll write a book one day!

Written Wednesday April 17, 2013:
So here's an update, I am headed to day 8/20 of radiation.  It is going well, it is more of a pain to get there everyday and find a parking spot than any side effect of the treatment.  My boob is really starting to get sore and look quite sunburned, last Friday Dr. Sally Smith saw me and has decided she is going to keep an eye on it for the duration of the treatment so she will see me every week.  It has not progressed into anything ugly yet, apparently it can start to blister and be extremely painful.  I hope it does not go that route with me!
My day to day life is normal, yesterday was Georgia's birthday, so we had a family celebration.  She chose to have Indian food for dinner, so I made butter chicken and Tikka Masala and went and picked up Naan bread to go with it.  It was delicious.  I made a batch of red velvet cupcakes and a chocolate cake to serve for tea and cake with the family.  She was spoiled of course and had a pretty wonderful day.  It's hard to watch them grow up so fast.  Age 0-8 takes forever then it just goes so fast from there.
Written today, Friday April 19, 2013:
I'm half way done radiation. Today I completed day 10/20 rounds.  I also saw Dr. Smith (Radiation Oncologist)  today and she had a look at my sore booby.  It is slowly getting more sunburned and is quite sore.  I cream it regularly and take good care of the skin there is not much more I can do.  The worst is my nipple feels like I started breastfeeding again!! OMG if you know that feeling of sore cracked aching nipples that's what radiation feels like on your nipple!  I also started getting some pretty wicked headaches this week, they started on Monday after radiation and have not stopped.  Wednesday was particularly bad and carried right through until Thursday.  Dr. Smith does not have a physiological explanation as headaches are not a side effect of radiation at all, she is going to keep an eye on things.  I hate headaches so much!
We have a busy weekend planned with 2 of our girls swimming in tournaments this weekend and lots of yard work to do as well.  I'm taking the official tournament photos on Sunday for the first time so it should be fun.
I'm on the countdown now as the gal at radiation said to me today!  10,9,8,7.......Oh I can't wait until it's done. 
Hopefully my energy level doesn't decrease too much in the next couple of weeks, I have been getting out and walking regularly and doing some little workouts at home too. 
My next big adventure is losing all this complimentary chemo weight!
x0x

Radiation day 4.....

I went for my fourth round of radiation today. All is going fine, other than a tender boob it is so much better than throwing up! I have to do some regimented skin care to avoid a nasty kind of sun burn reaction that people get with radiation.  I just have to use a water based cream 2-3 times a day.
I have to go the cancer agency every day Monday to Friday for the next 20 days.  I am relieved that Dr. Smith was able to reduce my radiation treatment period, as almost 7 weeks of going there every day was going to be a bit much! I'll take a month, that'll do.  There are 4 radiation machines that run everyday.  They are all named after trees, I am on the Birch machine.  Today my Auntie came in with me to get set-up on the machine.  She could watch them getting me lined up with the red alignment beams and then they showed her all about the actual radiation that they were doing while I was in the machine.  The techs were all very nice and spent the time explaining to her what they were doing and what the images were that she was looking at.  My actual radiation only takes 4mins the time to get me set-up and changed and unchanged takes longer than that!

All in all it is going fine. I hit a wall of fatigue everyday around 15:30 and it passes after about an hour or so. 

I'm looking forward to the weekend and not driving over to the jubilee!

 x0x

Radiation started......

Yesterday April 8, 2013, I had my first round of radiation.  It took just over 30mins, and was completely pain free.
It was an interesting procedure and very high tech at that!  I had to change into a gown from the waste up.  They walked me into the room and got me all situated on my back.  Then came the really high tech part....getting me aligned under the beams.  It is so funny that here I lay surrounded by millions of dollars worth of equipment and the easiest way to get me exactly lined up was to tug me around on the sheet I was laying on so the could position me just so!  We had a good laugh!  The procedure itself was less than 5 minutes and the reaction I should expect are fatigue, and redness (kind of like a sunburn.)  I'm off to another appointment now......everyday for 20 rounds.

The control centre outside the radiation room

The radiation machine.  My arm lays in the blue towels above
my head.

The control board - they can talk to you from outside the room

T

One of the laser beams, this sat right above my face. Those are not
the radiation beams. They are the alignment beams.
 

The Party......

On Thursday Herceptin chemo went off without a hitch! I went into the BCCA they ran the drug over 30min and then I was outta there!  Off the Thrifty's to buy dinner......it was a Monique night!
I woke up Friday with no symptoms and am carrying on as usual....ie. making lunches, taking out the garbage & compost, put on a load of laundry, cleaning up cat poop in our family room.....you know the usual.
I thought I would write an extension of my last post talking about telling my kids that I had cancer.  I don't think there is really a way I can write about how that all went down, there is so much more that I could say.  There is another part to our family battle that I thought was important to share with you.
To set the stage, from the beginning of my diagnoses I was told that my lump was "tiny" and that was really "good."  This came mostly from my medical team and then the odd person who would ask and try to give a piece of encouragement and reassurance.  My surgeon (Dr. Ross), had walked me through the probable and most likely course of treatment for my "type" of case.  That proposed plan had been reiterated to me throughout the months of October and November through surgery and recovery (which I might add was very painful and lasted 4 weeks.)
The plan was simply laid out, I would have surgery, then radiation for approximately a month (20 rounds.) The treatment would start no sooner than 6 weeks after surgery.  I would have to go to the BCCA to see an oncologist to discuss the radiation treatment. 
My BCCA appointment was for December 5, 2013.  The day that further changed my life forever. 
This appointment was with a radiation oncologist, who is the doctor that will treat and follow you through radiation.  Dr. Sally Smith was her name and she sat before my auntie, Phil and myself and delivered the news that I should undergo radiation for approx. 28 rounds in her opinion, however she would not begin treatment now because I needed to have chemotherapy because the kind of cancer I had (HER2 +) was so aggressive and harmful particularly because I was a very young cancer patient that I should undergo chemotherapy. 
My heart sank and we were all in complete shock.
Chemotherapy was my worst fear, I did not want to be sick. I didn't want my kids to see me sick.  I am one of those people that just does not hold up well when it comes to changes in my body.  My pregnancies were not great due to nausea and vomiting so I didn't have a good outlook on what chemo would do to me.
We saw a my medical oncologist for the first time 5 days after I saw the radiation oncologist. That was when the plan was unrolled.  I spent the next 7 days talking to people I could get opinions from and maybe get someone to say I shouldn't do chemotherapy.  No one would say that!  I agonized over the decision, you see the information you are given to make a choice is all statistics.  Dr. Bernstein also gave me a hypothetical analogy which was a tool in my decision. The survivorship analogy:

The PARTY

In ten years we are going to have a party. 

We will invite 100 women that are exactly your age, with exactly your tumour size, shape, exactly like you.  

75 of those women will come to the party just having surgery to remove the tumour.

83 of those women will come to the party if they have surgery and then radiation.

91 of those women will come to the party if they have surgery, chemotherapy and radiation.

9 women are not coming to the party. 

Those nine women have recurrence, metastasis or death. 

In the end I ended up making my decision. I turned down the course of treatment that was originally proposed by Dr. Bernstein.  She had said she wanted me to undergo 15 months of treatment.  I knew in my heart of hearts that would break me.  I told her over a phone conversation, and she accepted my decision with no judgement.  She then ninja kicked me with another treatment course she wanted to try with me, I was so stunned, I had no idea there were other "options."  I was exhausted emotionally and mentally.  There are so many things to consider.  The new proposed plan was the one I have been following, 4 rounds of intense chemo, 1 year of Herceptin chemo, and radiation. So here I was back to the agony of making a decision.
The next couple of weeks I spent trying to figure out a way to NOT do this.  I wanted something to show me that it was not necessary.    I had to tell her my decision on December 24, 2012.  OMG!! This was unbelievable.
In the end after 2 weeks of battling in my mind and going over and over it with Phil and my Auntie, it was one morning that I was lying in bed when I made my final decision.
There I lay waking up for the day, and the two little kids, Stella and Vinnie, came into bed with me before they got ready for school. It was just the right time to talk to them.  All snuggled together, I began to tell them about what the doctors wanted me to do to make sure that this cancer didn't come back.  What was potentially going to happen to me, ie. getting really sick, having to be germ free and that overall I was going to be not quite myself. 
Well, they had so many questions about chemotherapy medicine, and their own ideas of how it should be done and so on,  and then as if it was a no brainer to them, they both said
"Mama you got to do whatever you have to."  That was it.  Decision made.
Throughout all this deliberating and processing Phil and my Auntie just kept saying "We just want you at that party!"
Believe me I've already RSVP'd to that party......... and I'm going!

How do you tell your kids you have cancer?

One of the many questions that I have been asked is probably an obvious one and you may have thought it yourself
"How did you tell your kids you have cancer?"
Well to say the least, it was not easy, and it was one of our first questions to my GP, Dr. Ferg when she delivered the news of my diagnoses to us.  Her advice, which we took, was to not tell the little kids right away, rather, tell the older girls (who already knew something was up) and then wait until closer to my surgery date to tell the little kids.
My older girls Abby(14) and Georgia (11) already knew that something was up because they had seen my big ice pack patch that I was wearing the day I had the biopsy done.  I was really uncomfortable and Abby asked what was bothering me.  I told her I had the biopsy and she said right then "Is this what I think it is?"  so smart, I had to tell her what they were testing for.  I'm pretty upfront with my older girls they don't need sugar coating, in fact, they don't want sugar coating they want the whole story.

On the day of my diagnoses, I picked Abby up from school, I was nervous and didn't want to say it.  She kind of sensed something but had no idea what was really going to come out.  It was while we were driving, that I told her. I simply said that the testing I had done came back and that
"I have breast cancer, and I'm going to be okay."   Her reaction was what I expected, a very sad face and a look of concern and almost desperation.  I reassured her that this was going to be okay, and it is just a blip our road and we will get through this.  We talked about all her concerns and I told her, as I always do, that she can talk to me about it any time, any place it doesn't matter if it's the middle of the night she can come talk to me and Daddy (yes she still calls him Daddy at 14!)  She seemed content after our long discussion and I explained the plan to her of what was to come, testing (MRI) Dr.'s appointment's (Dr. Ross, surgeon) and then that surgery would take place.  I didn't know much else at that point. 
Next was to tell Georgia, I took her into my room by herself so we could have quiet.  She had no idea what was coming.  She knew about my biopsy, she just didn't know what it was for.  I told her the exact same thing as I did Abby, "I have breast cancer, and I'm going to be okay."  Her reaction was silence, and you could see the wheels ticking in her head.  She didn't have a lot of questions, which is unlike Georgia, I think the word cancer froze her into disbelief.  So I did most of the talking.  It was a calm and collected conversation, with lots of reassurance that everything would be okay.

Of course, I really didn't know everything was going to be okay.  Jeezuz, I wish I knew that!  I have a belief, and I truly have believed that this is going to be temporary and life will go on.

The little kids came next, it wasn't long before Stella (9) caught on that something was up.  She started asking questions, so it was time to tell her.  I told her quietly one night in her room, again I said the same thing, "I have breast cancer, and I'm going to be okay"  she looked puzzled and worried.  She had lots of different questions, when kids or anyone for that matter, hear the word cancer they immediately think death. We have NEVER used the word death surrounding MY cancer.  I have never felt it necessary.  It was ironic that about 2 weeks before she and Vinnie had participated in the Terry Fox run at their school, so there had been a lot of talk about cancer and his death in the past couple of weeks so I had to reassure her that my cancer was not the same as his, and that medicine now, is much better than when he was fighting cancer.  She seemed content with my explanation and we just gave her constant reassurance and answering of questions whenever she needed it. 
We told Mr. Vinnie(6) closer to my surgery date, about a month after I was diagnosed.  The other kids knew that we hadn't told him yet and were respectful of that choice to wait to tell him.  It's funny how the natural nurturing instinct kicks in with kids, all three girls were concerned for him and wanted it to be the right time to tell him.  We told him very matter of fact like, "Mama has to go to the hospital to have an operation to take out a little lump inside my breast."  He instantly had lots of questions and we sat an answered them one by one.  He is very inquisitive like most kids, and wanted to know about this "little lump" and eventually it lead to the naming of it, which was ultimately telling him that I had cancer.  He immediately referred to the Terry Fox run and all he knew about that, and it was a comfortable discussion that didn't seem to leave him any worse for the wear.  Thank goodness!
Some of the questions that my kids had were:
"Why did you get cancer?"  A: There is no reason, not even the doctors can tell me this.
"How did you get cancer?" A: There is no reason, not even the doctors can tell me this.
"Does it hurt?" A: Yes, and I am thankful for that, otherwise we would not have found it.  It won't hurt forever because the doctors are going to take it out.
"Will it be gone when they take it out?"  We hope so.

We kept it simple, and normal conversation.  I know it sounds odd to use normal and cancer in the same description, it is what we had to do.  Of course the answers to the questions above and the abundance of other questions were elaborated on in more detail.   The most important thing was to stop and answer those questions whenever they had one.  Believe me they come up at all different times!

The only thing I have kept from them is my fear. My fear is not "the dark place" in fact, I have never gone there.  My fear is around my kids, I didn't want my kids to see me sick, vulnerable, and weak.  Not because I have a hero's syndrome, it's because a parent's weakness brings an uncertainty to kids and uncertainty brings fear, and the last thing I wanted was my kids to be scared.  I was scared enough for all of us!

At every step along the way I have kept my kids informed and involved.  I believe that kids can't be kept in the dark about these kinds of things.  It just makes it worse, for you and for them.  Kids are smart and can handle a lot more than we give them credit for.  Letting them know they are worthy of knowing the important stuff helps them cope.  I think my kids are thankful for being informed and included.

 



This is my fight, it is a family battle.

The rest of my plan....

I thank you for all the congratulatory wishes after my last round of chemo.  It indeed was my last round of the intense portion of my chemotherapy and I am very happy to be through that.  I have very mixed feelings about celebrating though, as I still have a long road ahead of me.  I have had a busy week this week and last going for tests and Dr.'s appointments getting ready to start radiation and continue with the Herceptin treatment.  I had a CT scan last week and there they tattooed my breast in three places to mark the place that they will align the radiation beams every time.  They mark you with a huge red X in the places that they want to tattoo you.  Then they use a little pin poker thing that has black permanent ink in it and poke it through the skin in the middle of the X.  I can only see one of the tattoos, apparently you can't really see them but the radiation people can.  Maybe they are glow in the dark!

Me having the scan

The MUGA scan machine

I also had a MUGA scan on Tuesday which was to re-test my heart function.  The Herceptin decreases your heart function, so they took a baseline MUGA before I started chemo and then I have to have one every 4 months to ensure that my heart is functioning the same as when I started.  It is a multi-part test that includes injecting me with a solution that attaches to the red blood cells (45mins), then taking out some of that blood and then mixing it with some other solution (5mins) and then having the scan itself.  That big block thing beside me gets moved to three different positions (10mins each) and takes moving images of my heart.  They accessed everything through my port a cath (the injections and blood draws.) It took almost three hours!

 

Today I will go for my first round of Herceptin, which is the drug that specifically targets my HER2 cancer cells, if any, that are floating around in my body.  Remember, all this treatment is called prophylactic (preventative) so there is no guarantee it will work to keep cancer away and there was no guarantee that I even needed to complete this treatment.  I have put all my eggs in the basket that tells me to do "whatever I have to" to ensure that I never get cancer again!  The doctors tell me that I should just breeze through this Herceptin treatment, pretty much with no symptoms.  I hope they are right! 

I will start radiation on Monday April 8.  I am not really nervous about radiation, I do hope that there is not much affect on me and I can carry on as normal.  I have been told it will make me quite tired/fatigued.  They will do 20-33 rounds of radiation.  I had a CT scan on this last Tuesday and based on that Dr. Sally Smith will determine how much radiation I am going to need.  She originally thought 28 rounds, then said 28+5boosters, and then on my last visit she said she thinks I can get away with 16+4boosters, so we will see.

They will run the Herceptin every 21 days and the radiation will continue through my Herceptin treatment.  It is called a dual modality treatment.  I hope I'm still standing at the end of April!

I have been really behind on my blog writing, I have been having one of those times when I think, "who really wants to read about what I do in my day?"  Apparently people love to know your business and I am enjoying writing so I will get back on track and write more often.
x0x

I still can't feel my fingers....

It has been a almost two weeks since I posted anything, I can't believe it!  I took a bit of a break . So settle in this might be a long one.
I have outrageous neuropathy in my fingers.  It feels like the pads of my fingers are going to explode because they are so nerve aggravated. My fingers are pretty swollen, they look like sausages, I am retaining some fluid from something, not sure what.  Typing is a huge challenge, along with buttons, chop sticks and anything that requires dexterity.  Otherwise I carry on as per usual.
The days after the last chemo left me very "weak in the knees" so to speak.....I had very poor stability and sometimes for no reason at all, my knees would just give out on me and I would nearly collapse.  So I spent a few days shuffling around, Phil says I remind him of Tim Conway as the old man from the Carol Burnett show (I loved that show, I used to skip junior high school in the afternoons with my friend and we would watch the reruns of the Carol Burnett Show!)

I had a medication plan that was supposed to combat most of the pain, neuropathy and nausea and vomiting.  I can say that the plan was sort of successful.  I took Dexamethasone (steroid) for a week everyday in the morning to help with nausea and neuropathy.  It helped with the nausea, I didn't feel sick at all this last round!! YAY for that.  It did absolutely nothing for the neuropathy and pain.  So I ended up taking a regime of Advil, Tylenol and Dilaudid (narcotic) to manage the intense pain.  The pain is not a separate ailment from the neuropathy, the pain comes with the neuropathy.  The best way to describe it is throbbing pins and needles (x100)  in my fingers(tips) and in my legs from the knees down.  It is a constant feeling and slowly my legs have "defrosted" and my feet are feeling better too.  It is only really in my fingertips now and they kinda feel like dog paws! I manage though and continue on like normal, well really because I kinda have to. 

So by day 6 post chemo I was ready to get out of the house and we left for our spring break trip I had planned.  We stayed in Nanaimo with my best friend Kirsten and her family for 2 nights and checked out the Nanaimo Aquatic Centre.  Kirsten and Clint had to work so we got to take "little Miss" as I call her, their 4 year old daughter.  We had the best day with her, we went swimming, and then White Spot for lunch and then I promised Kirsten a homemade mexican dinner.  I made traditional Mole with all the fixings, spanish rice, refried beans, guacamole with tostadas.  It was delicious and I was so happy to do something nice for my friend, that I know she always enjoys.  Little Miss had so much fun with the kids and it was sad to leave, I wish we had more time with them.  We left on Thursday morning for Tofino, to the same place we went back in February, this time we stayed for 4 nights.

Tofino is fantastic.  There is just a calmness about it that I feel no pressure to do anything.  The worst part about it is the drive up! Poor Vinnie succumbed to the windy roads and barfed just as we were coming into Tofino.  What a frantic scene that was!!! Quite funny after the fact, a nightmare during the chaos!
Otherwise we just go with the flow.  I love it there, so does the rest of my family.  Friday was absolutely so awsome I couldn't have asked for a better day.  I found a groupon last week, before we left, for surf lessons (Tofino Surf School) for the kids and yesterday they had their lessons! The guy (Jeffro) was so great with the kids and he was so easy going.  Phil got suited up too and went in to help with the kids and he even tried getting up (on the surf board.....) a few times too!  Getting into the wetsuits was almost as much fun as the actual surfing!  At least it was for me.....I wasn't trying to squeeze my big ass into one of those things.  Jeff had to get Phil a "ponch suit" as he called it......I would hate to know what he would have called a suit for me...HAHAHA.........a whale skin!
It was the most glorious day ever, blue sky no clouds the beach was amazing.  He took us to  Chesterman Beach which is in between McKenzie Beach and Long Beach.  I am attaching pictures.....
On Saturday our friends from Comox came up to stay as well.  We cooked them a big dinner and had a fabulous visit and hot tubbed talked until midnight.  On Sunday we had asked them to show us how to geocache.  They have been doing this for a couple of years and I knew the kids would really enjoy it.  It is kinda like a treasure hunt, on much larger scale.  We looked up how many "caches" were in Tofino and there were over 300 or something crazy like that!  It was so much fun and we found 6 in total.  We found some in town and on Monday morning we had a beautiful walk on the beach and the kids and Dad's found one at the end of the beach on a little island.  So great for the kids.  I do have to mention that we discovered another foodie place Big Daddy's Fish Fry!  We had the best coconut prawns ever!  They were huge and crispy and oh my god .......yummilicious!  We went on Friday before surfing and it was so good we had to take Cathy and Roy there on Sunday when we were out geocaching......soooooo good!
We hot tubbed 3-4 times a day and ate yummy food and walked on the beach and discovered new trails and had a really relaxing time.  It was just what I needed.

We came home on Monday, the drive went well, not car sick episodes, and we made it home in less than 4 hours which was really good time.  So we are back into the swing of things , kids back in school. 
Tuesday(26th) I had my appointment with Dr. Smith, the radiation oncologist. She did have some good news, I will probably only have to have 20 rounds of radiation now as opposed to the 33 she originally ordered.  I had my CT scan as well for the mapping for radiation, and they gave me my "tattoos" which are permanent marks that they make to line up the radiation beams every time I go in.  I will take a picture of that and post it so you can see (the radiation set-up, not my booby tattoos!)
I have a busy week next week, so we are going to have a nice Easter weekend.  I bought a 27lb turkey so we are having turkey dinner here and the family will come.  We are going out with Phil's family for a nice Easter lunch on Friday. 
I have another round of chemo on April 4, the herceptin only, and radiation starts on April 8. There are labs and another heart scan in there too!
So there's my verbal diarrhea of what the last two weeks has been for me.  I have also seen lots of people and enjoyed some nice visits with friends as well.  I hope you all have a great Easter and I will be back to posting more regularly now, so keep checking in!
x0x

Day 3.......doom's day!

Well it's day 3 again.......day 3 post chemo that is.  I have been following the "plan" that Dr. B set out for me and it is half way working.  I have no nausea or vomiting, the bone pain on the other hand is really horrible.  The pain set in yesterday afternoon around 14:00 and has not let up since.  I am taking dexamethasone (steroid for pain and nausea) Dilaudid (for pain) Tylenol (for pain) and Advil (for pain.)  I was taking the Ondansetron,as well, for nausea, it seems that is under control...or at least fingers crossed there are no surprise attacks.
I got out today all hopped up on pain killers with my cousin to help her pick out some new pants and so I sat in the change room and played fashion consultant.  It was nice just to get out.  I didn't go very far, from the car to the store and back again, I made it though.  Abby was my human crutch and we only had a couple close calls of me dropping to the ground, it just happens all of a sudden.  It feels like my legs are completely numb from my knees down and they just ache and really hurt.  Kinda like really awful shin splints with an ache that settles into your ankles.  Other than that I feel pretty good.
It was a beautiful day out so I am glad I didn't have to spend it in bed.  Phil and Georgia spent the day in Duncan at an invitational swim meet that Georgia was competing in and didn't get home until 2000.
I was able to call upon Vinnie's friend and Stella's friend to have them over to their houses for the day so they didn't have to sit around at home all day, and it allowed me to get out of the house for a an hour or so.  I can not express my extreme gratefulness to everyone and anyone who has helped us out with the kids and fed us great meals or just came over to entertain me.
It is so hard for me to ask for help and I feel like I owe a huge debt of gratitude to my friends and family.
I'm going to attempt to go to Georgia's meet tomorrow to cheer her on!  My future Olympian.
x0x

One sheep...two sheep....three sheep...four sheep....

Disclosure:  I'm emotionally unstable and completely high on Dexemethasone and it's the early morning hours of the night.

So here I sit at 01:59, hello night shift worker friends!  I took my Dexamethasone at 0800 this morning, I had a 1mg tab of Ativan at 12:00am and there is no going to sleep for me.  Soon I hope. I don't really have much to say other than my mind is going a mile a minute about absolutely everything I can think of. Finances, weight, children, laundry, dinners for the next week, marriage, you name it I think about it.  I have been off work now for 5 months and we are definitely feeling the strain. We have had so much help and kindness spread our way with meals and gifts and most recently a cash donation that took my breath away.  It is all so well received and so very needed I can't thank everyone enough.  Sidebar: I have 2 glass baking dishes that I can not find owners for, please feel free to call me to claim them. I would be happy to drop them off.
I have gained a total of 25lbs since the beginning of October!!!  Holy SHIZA's, I am at the end of my rope as I really don't have any more room to gain.  I mean come on people clothes can only stretch so much! I was never told until yesterday that women receiving breast cancer chemo will have weight gain, approx. 18-25lbs.  What am I having a baby here? OMG!! I nearly lost my mind.....apparently I have ZERO metabolism due to the chemo and am starving when I take the dexamethasone.  So I want to shove the food in and then it just gets kept as fat.  Nice. I read the riot act to my GPO doctor yesterday and said "Somebody in this place [BCCA] better find a way to help me get this off!" To add to the other lovely visual side effects of chemo, well there's the obvious, I'm completely bald sporting a baby chick(en) look, and my face looks like a road map because the acne has almost taken over!  Positive note: I still have eyebrows and eylashes......for now.
My kids are good, maybe could be a little more compassionate towards me, or maybe I'm asking too much. Not sure, just sayin, take notice when a soldier is down and fill in her duties for her! Oh ya and make me a cup of tea even if I don't ask for one....that would be nice.
I hate doing laundry, hence my children do their own. I hate everything about it.  I do like having clean laundry all folded and put away. So I am always looking for a way to make that happen without me having to interact with the actual laundry.....let me know if you have figured out a way for that to happen in your house.
Cooking dinner, seriously, worst job ever is coming up with what to make.  I love to cook and I'm a really good cook, I just hate coming up with the idea of what to cook.  I have a big list that I go through when I buy meats etc. to see what I can make with them.  If I prepare meals ahead of time I never want to eat them so I am not motivated to heat them up and serve them.  I don't know what my problem is, I guess the Queen doesn't fancy that tonight!  So I make myself something completely different.......Crazy!
Keeping the marriage balanced is really an important factor for me. YES people you can still want and have sex when you are going through chemo.  It might not be say... right now when I'm full of toxic fluids or while I'm nauseated and wanting to vomit, eventually you come around and you still want the intimacy with your spouse, or at least I do.  It's what keeps me feeling safe and somewhat grounded.  Don't get me wrong, it has been lowered on the priority list, it is just something I don't want to eliminate even if for a short time. 
Other miscellaneous mind jargle I can get out.....well I think about all my friends that have all their stuff going on in their lives, and wish I could be more supportive to them.  I think about all the people at work who I don't see anymore and miss very much my little chats with all my peeps.  I miss my actual job, and using my brain, I know that sounds a bit crazy, it's true though.  Mind you my brain is a bit off these days in some chemo fog moments let me tell you......I was in such fog last cycle I booked our whole spring break get away on the weeks the kid weren't even out of school!  Jeezuz, they already have 2 weeks off, as if I need to prolong that.  We can't really afford to go away but I'm finding a way! We need to do this for our family....I need to do this for me. It's not an elaborate plan but it's away time just the six of us.
I am getting tired of this cancer treatment business......I still have a long road ahead of me so suck it up buttercup.....this is what I tell myself.
That's pretty much it.....I wish I had the energy to sew, and that my last two projects were not so disappointing, and then I would get back at that in these moments of energy overload.
Okay, there it is, a verbal diarrhea of what I'm thinking about.
x0x

Chemo round 4!

Rays of Sunshine.....a sign of light and hope!
McKenzie Beach, Tofino BC

It went well today.  I was extremely anxious to the point where I was almost in tears and nauseous.  Phil was with me so he just talked me through it as they accessed my port a cath. I wasn't hyper-ventilating or anything just a quiet anxiety none the less it is not a nice feeling. I feel really lucky that all it takes is a look and he knows what I need.  The real deal with rear it's ugly head usually by the third day post chemo.  Let's hope the steroid and anti-emetic plan keeps me pain free and my head out of the toilet.
I'm relieved the last of the intensive treatment is complete. I have been waiting for this day to come.  I wish I could be more celebratory, I still have such a long road ahead of me I can't get excited yet. 
Next up is radiation, I got my dates today.  It is going to creep up on me really fast.  I start on
April 8, 2013 and I have 32 days of radiation.  It will be Monday to Friday with weekends and any holidays off.  I have 28 scheduled zaps and 5 boosters as they call them.  I will go for a CT scan on
March 26, 2013 for the radiation oncologist to map out my radiation and I will be tattooed at some point in the locations of where they will position the lasers.  The radiation routine is very short I am told, in fact one patient said taking her clothes off took longer than getting the radiation!  The side effects of it are extreme fatigue mostly and you have a mild to moderate "sun burn" on your area of radiation......first time I'll ever have a sunburn on my booby!!
It will be more of a pain in the ass to get there everyday as it is across town from me.  I'm hoping for some sort of regular schedule. Fingers crossed for that. 
As for the rest of today, I'm quite tired and am just going to lay around and relax. I made dinner yesterday so we are ready to go. 
Here's to a good next couple of days....thank you for all the text messages and good wishes. They all come at just the right time!
x0x

Calla Lily in my garden

We had a nice weekend. Phil and I had some alone time at Brentwood Spa and Resort and enjoyed a nice dinner at the pub and I had a facial at the spa.  I planned it about two months ago when they were offering a groupon and I am so glad I did.  It was a much needed relaxing get away even if it was only one night.
We had an exciting evening on Friday because Vinnie lost his first tooth! He has no idea where the tooth went and the tooth fairy brough him $5, he figures it's because he couldn't find the tooth.
Sunday night was lovely, we went to the Singh family's house for a fabulous curry dinner. Such a treat.  I didn't have to cook the whole weekend. I love that.

Tomorrow is testing day.  I have an appointment with Dr. Battershill for my pre-chemo check in and my bloodwork which they are going to draw from my port a cath for me.

Today was the first day of spring break so the kids were all home and of course bored. So we met up with my cousin Jennifer and went to Costco for a fancy hot dog lunch and some shopping.  I always say Costco is $100/hr and it didn't disappoint today. I bought absolutely nothing interesting and still left spending $91.00 and didn't even have a complete dinner to put together. 
So we really didn't have too exciting of a day and I am starting to get a little anxious about Wednesday. 
I have been having some dizzy spells late this afternoon, not sure why, I will have to let the doctor know tomorrow at my check in.
I will have lots more interesting things to post over the next few days when the chemo starts again.  For now I can say I feel pretty good. 
x0x Carla

Dahlia's in my garden

The sun is shining.... it's a glorious day.  Spring is on it's way and with that comes the end of March.  A time I have been envisioning since January 9, 2013, the day of my first chemo.  When people ask me how I am getting through this I really don't have a great answer.  Of course, I have tonnes of support from all of you, countless friends and family which is so important. Emotionally I'm not sure how I've coped.  I would like to say that I have coped fairly well, don't get me wrong I have had some really bad days, for the most part they have been pretty balanced.  I think I manage the stresses and the fear using visualization.  I'm not any sort of guru type person, I just like to have a way to know that at some point everything is going to be okay.  I have always done this.  I may be an irrational lunatic for the short term or in the moment, and then after some reflection I am able to pull back and play out the future in a more assuring way. Just like Christmas is to a child it takes forever to get there and then within a blink it's come and gone.  I'm not sure I could say these last two and half months have gone by with a blink, it's been more of a bad dream, it just hasn't taken as long as I thought it would feel.  Maybe that's the crazy in me, you know I did birth four kids so obviously my memory for pain and suffering isn't that great.....overall the time has not seemed to lag on.  I have kept on living and on my good days I take full advantage and go out of this house.  I make myself a "playdate" as I call it and meet up with friends and go do something.  It doesn't have to be much, some of my playdates have been going to the grocery store or costco and visiting while we shop.  Others have been a lunch date at a great restaurant or pub.  I have done a walmart playdate too.  I would like to start doing more outdoor walking playdates as my energy level returns after this last round of chemo.  I'm always looking for good conversation and someone fun to be around. Surrounding myself with positive people has been key to a healthy recovery.
I hope you all have a great weekend!

x0x

Here I find myself waiting again for the "big" day to come.  I go next Wednesday for my last round of the intensive chemotherapy.  I have a pretty positive outlook that it will go much better than last time.  I have a plan that Dr. B came up with that should combat the horrible bone pain and nausea.  I hope it works as we are going to attempt to go up island for a couple of days during spring break.

I always say school breaks are a catch"22."   On the one hand I get to sleep in everyday as there is no hustle and bustle of getting four kids out the door to school.  On the other they are all home and I have to find something to entertain them or they start to drive me batty. 
Being the mother of four I often get asked that question "How do you do it?"  My response is always, you just do it.  We don't know any other way, so it doesn't seem like a lot because we don't know what it would be like to have it any different. I guess one of the biggest reasons it is not so crazy is Phil and I have always believed that we want our kids to be independent, so we have set expectations that do not have them relying on us for everything. We have always forced independence on them in various ways. 
In doing so, I think, we have made our lives a lot less chaotic.  One way we have eliminated stress is to NOT DRIVE the kids everywhere.  I never signed up to become a taxi driver or "the Vidal transport system" when we started building our family.  Every opportunity we have had to have the kids get themselves to and from a place we take advantage of it.  ie. they can walk or take the bus!
We live extremely close to their elementary school and the kids have always walked to and from school.  They don't even have to cross a street, so why would I drive them.  Let me tell you, my kids have never complained, the biggest battles I have fought about them walking is with other parents!!  I had several cell phone calls on rainy/snowy days asking if I was going to come and pick them up because of the weather.  Now that our two oldest girls are going to other schools they have to catch the city bus to get there.  When I was a teenager I caught the city bus absolutely everywhere.  It was the only way I got around.  I was never driven or even considered asking for a ride( probably because I never wanted my mom to know what I was doing LOL!)
The three oldest kids have all been doing their own laundry for years.  I am also not a laundromat.  I think I started having them do it at around age 9.  I showed them how to do it properly and really it's not rocket science. Do they really you ask?  Yes, because when they run out of clean underwear and socks or can't put a whole outfit together, it's a fairly good motivator.  I don't care if they never fold and put it away, it's not my problem, I provide dressers for them, if they choose not to use them and wear wrinkled clothes that's their choice.  It may be that they are girls, I don't think so though, because tween/teen years self image is the be all and end all of their worlds so they usually opt not to leave the house without looking "just so."  I live by the same principles of keeping their rooms clean.  I don't have to live in there so why should I clean it up?  I do however enforce keeping the shared living space in the house clean, this is everywhere but their rooms. 
When I got diagnosed and knew I wasn't going to be able to run at full speed, I created a chore chart.  It works wonders.  There is no allowance or rewards for doing their chores (jeezuz they get everything they need and then some, within reason of course.)   Each kid has two (age appropriate) chores a day and that "helps" take care of the general maintenance of the house.  Don't get me wrong, there is still a tonne of stuff that doesn't get done and let's face it they are kids so I can't expect perfection!
I'm no expert I just do what's right for me and my family.  This is what works for us.  I have learned from others and only hope when I share, it is insightful for someone else.  The kids independence has proven to be essential during this hard time that we are going through.  I can stress just that "little bit less" because I know they are going to be ok. 
x0x

Totally off topic......

I often get my inspiration about what I am going to write from things I see and hear during the day.  Today is one of those examples.  This really isn't an inspiring post but more of a rant per say.
Many of you who read this are "my friend" on Facebook and may recall the post I made a couple of weeks ago about deleting people from your "friends" list who post nasty images of animals or humans being harmed or tortured.  I would find it hard to believe that if you have Facebook that you have not been exposed to one of these images. 
It makes me so furious that people actually "repost" these images thinking they are spreading a good message.  Seriously......???  What is even worse is that people are too worried about "offending" someone to delete them from their friends list on Facebook when they post these nasty images.  Seriously...???? Do you really want to even know someone who would consider posting these images, regardless of what of their opinion of the image is.  I don't care if they have been spammed or what, delete them.  The only way to send a message and have people pay attention is to start placing consequences for their actions, and if something as little as deleting people from FB is such a powerful and offensive tool then so be it.  Society needs to give their head a shake.  I had a gal tell me that her grandma was one of the people reposting these images and didn't know what to do.  I just told her " Bye Bye Grandma."  I don't care who you are.  I don't ever want to see things like that and as long as we all allow it, it will continue to happen.  All the posting of those images does is glorify the bastards who do those horrific things. Get it through your heads people.  If you can't stand up to people on FB what next?  I'm totally talking in my outside voice and just had to have a rant....if you agree with me feel free to share link this on your Facebook page.  Maybe we can get others to catch on. 
Social media is the most powerful tool, one day I am going to do really big things for deserving people, for now I'll stick to the small stuff.......as I always say get a set of "ladyballs" or just use the ones you got and start deleting the pricks off your Facebook friends list!
Nuff said.
x0x

Words can not express........

I'm at a loss for words....which doesn't come often! 

Today I was going to write about something more upbeat and positive, as the last couple posts have been such downers. 

I don't really have a choice now as this afternoon was one of the most touching and heart warming afternoons ever!


Christ Church Cathedral
Victoria, BC

My dear friend Sandhu dropped by for tea, and with him he brought the most generous gift.  He brought an $850 cash donation to my family that was collected because Sandhu raffled off one of his beautiful watercolour paintings.  I believe the raffle was held on 3NW (Cardiac Floor) at the Jubilee hospital, a place that I still hold dear to my heart, as it was my first permanent unit clerk job over five years ago.  I made so many friends and connections there that I can never let it go and therefore have always tried to pick up the occasional casual shift just to stay in touch.  I often visit my buddies on the floor and I'm always so happy to see their smiling faces and feel welcomed every time I stop by.  There are not enough "Thank-You's"  in this world to express my gratitude toward all who purchased a raffle ticket and contributed towards this gift.  It could not have come at a more needed time in our lives. THANK YOU! Phil and I are both so touched and grateful.
Another piece to this is, the person who won the painting that was being raffled off, donated it to me.  Miss Marian is what I have always called her and she is a special lady(RN) that I have always had a soft spot for, she is a real GEM. Thank-you Miss Marian.
Sandhu, you and Emily are just "GOOD PEOPLE" a true friendship that will last a lifetime to come, thank-you for donating your he(ART)work!
This brings me to my knees as receiving gifts is not something I do well.  I am a giver and love to give and receiving just does not come naturally to me.  I hope I can do right by all of you who are such an inspiration to me and help me get through each and every day. 

Here I was going to post about my morning gardening and BBQ hot dog lunch!
Thank you friends! All my love x0x

No good news.....

I wish I could have felt better so I could have posted over the last three days.  I don't have great news to report, this cycle seems to be kicking the crap out of me. 
Where to start?  I guess I'll start with Wednesday morning when I checked into the BCCA triage so Dr. Bernstein could assess me and see what to do with my sorry ass!  I was turning the corner (or so I thought) and was definitely less nauseous and my legs were starting to calm down with the bone and joint pain. They started me on IV fluids (via my handy dandy port a cath) and there I layed waiting for Dr. B to come and see me.  I hate lying on a stretcher and waiting for what seems to be nothing.  That's the reason I didn't call into the nurses line sooner because I knew that's what they would make me do, and I was in no shape to be there any sooner than when I did go in.  The only thing worse than lying on a stretcher when you're sick, is lying on a stretcher when your sick and vomiting!
Eventually Dr.B showed up and did her assessment. She ordered me to take the dexamethasone (the steroid that makes me high) for the next three days, as that would help with the nausea and the aches and pains I was still having. 
As for the next (and last) round of this ass kicking drug, she says I will take the dexamethasone right from day two instead of waiting for symptoms to kick in......ah ya that would be good.
Thursday was not really any better, I woke up feeling nauseated still and now my feet and hands were tingling and numb.  This neuropathy is also a side effect of the Abraxane.  It is very debilitating as I have no sensation in the bottoms of my feet so walking is difficult to say the least. My hands are puffy and my fingers and finger tips are tingling and sort of throbbing.  I have no energy and absolutely no ambition to do anything. Phil was off today, so I got showered and dressed and decided I would get out of the house for the first time in six days.  We did some grocery shopping and went to Sabhai Thai for lunch.  I was exhausted by the time we got home two hours later so I decided to just take it easy on the couch for the rest of the afternoon. 
Friday folks, not much better :(  The neuropathy in my hands and feet has worsened and I can't seem to get a handle on the general sick feeling I have. I did put myself together to go out with Auntie for a couple of hours and that nearly finished me off! 
I hate to be such a downer, I really wish I was much better.  I keep thinking I want to quit this now.  I want to be finished.  I can't take it anymore.  Phil does a good job of trying to reassure me that I will feel better soon and I only have one more nasty round to go.  Remember I have a whole year of the Herceptin still (every three weeks.) 
How do I stay motivated to carry on?  I go back to the day that I decided would embark on this journey of hell.  I remember the little faces of my kids who sat so innocently listening to me tell them about what Mama needed to do to stop this cancer from ever coming back.  I remember their little voices of wisdom who simply stated "you have to do it."
Ultimately you make decisions based on what is right for you, I have to say in this case my decision was based on what was right for my kids.  If I had it my way I would have found a way to believe that I could do without chemotherapy.  In the end my choice has been made and here I sit living with the effects of that choice.  Right now I think "what was I thinking?"  I remind myself that I treated this medically and not emotionally.  Funny how that works, you treat something with medical intervention and the effects of it are mostly emotional!
Here's to better days ahead....x0x

I've been a bad girl!

I finally broke down and called the nurses line at the BCCA today.  I just couldn't take it anymore.  The pain has been non-stop in my legs and bones and the nausea is not letting up.  I really wish it would.  I have tried some pain meds they don't even touch it and the anti-nausea meds are just starting to work.  I don't think I'm a wimp, I mean after all, I did make it through four "natural" childbirths. So why do I feel like such a wimp now?
Back to the phone call......I spoke with the nurse and gave her the play by play of everything that I have been experiencing since Sunday morning.  She told me she would speak to the doctor and call me back.  Well, Dr. Bernstein herself called me back......and she was not happy with me.  I got the lecture about calling sooner and that I shouldn't leave things so long.  I told her I didn't call sooner because I knew she would make me come into triage or go to the hospital, and I was too sick to even get out of bed, let alone get to the hospital.  She warned me that she was "this" close to sticking me in an ambulance right now and bringing my butt into emergency.  I begged her not to and I agreed to come into triage at BCCA tomorrow.  OMG!!! I was a naughty patient! She gave me some orders over the phone to take my favourite (not so much) Dexamethasone (it's a steroid and should help with my pain) and some more Ondasetron (anti-nauseant.)  Remember the Dex was the one that made me crazy hyper in the first cycle and I was up all night and racing through Costco!  I hope that's not the case tonight.....imagine that I'll be wanting to run through the streets, and can't even stand up because my legs give out on me, like a baby deer. LOL
I am eating my pink popsicles and laying on the couch like a potato, a "Where's Waldo?" potato that is!

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I may have spoke too soon!

I had a great day on Saturday which we would call day 2 of this chemo cycle.  I spent the day with my cousin and the kids making a video to apply for the Amazing Race Canada!  It was lots of fun and was a beautiful day outside.  In the evening I went to my dear friends 50th Birthday celebration.  It was so much fun and probably the best pot luck dinner I have ever been to.  That's what happens when you have a group of women who are fantastic cooks pull together a pot luck! Yummo!

It all came to a screaming halt on Sunday morning.  I woke up feeling nauseated and in throbbing bone ache agony.  Damn it! I thought this round was going to be different and symptom free.  Not so much, the pain is in my joints and bones it just aches all the time and comes in waves of intensity. It's mostly in my legs my knees and shins and then occasionally in my fingers and hands, it`s horrible.  Alma and Kimberly came over last night to watch the Oscars and I just layed here like a flopped fish.  Right after they left is when the vomiting commenced.  I have not actually thrown up through out any of my cycles until now.  It lasted through out last night and then the bowels got upset too.  Have you ever had to actually sit on the toilet while vomiting into a bucket?  Well sorry for the nasty visual but that was me! Holy Shizas......literally.  My Phil took it all in stride and got me settled into bed with some gravol for the vomiting and dilaudid for the pain.  The gravol helped me go to sleep the dilaudid did nothing for my pain. 
Today was not much better I`m sad to report.  I wish it were better, I think I`m going to have to wait this one out....again.  Aunty and Jennifer came and brought me Kraft Dinner and popsicles and thoroughly enjoyed my pyjama ensemble of multi coloured striped toque, shirt and pants!  You know I try to really look my best!   I looked like Waldo from "Where`s Waldo?"  It was quite funny.
So note to self:  Day 3,4 and possibly 5,6 of chemo cyle....ALWAYS SUCK!  I only have one more round to go. I don`t want to do this anymore, but I will persevere.  I think I can, I think I can!
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3rd Round Successful!

I made it through round 3!  I was extremely nervous.  I was up at the "crack 'o' dawn" as I had to go get my blood work done first thing pre-chemo at VGH.  My chemo time was not until 12:00, and because I was up so early, I spent the morning making a butternut squash lasagna for my friends 50th birthday party tomorrow.  I love to cook and it was a new recipe to me, so it was a nice way to spend the morning.
Phil and I headed to the cancer agency a little early, parking is a pain in the ass, so I was not going to risk having my chemo delayed one more minute! They were not on schedule today and had no chemo chairs available.  I was brought in at 13:00.  I had a nurse that was new to me, she was lovely.  We got started pretty much right away and she set up to access my port a cath.  While she was accessing it with the needle, for no apparent reason I almost passed out.  My face drained of all colour and she said "Are you okay?" I said "yes" and then she said "no you're not let's lay you back."  LOL. I don't know why I always say I'm fine when I'm really not, I guess I always think it's going to go away.  Stupid logic.


Manuela and I with my samosa and champagne.

The Herceptin ran first over 30minutes and then I had a 30 minute observation after.  It seemed to go quite smoothly.  I had a few pop in visitors, Auntie, of course,  then Paula my fellow unit clerk buddy, and Manuela came and brought me samosas and champagne.  Real champagne!  It was a good omen that this round was going to go smoothly. 
The next drug was the new drug called Abraxane.  It was going to take 30 minutes to run and then I was good to go!  It went in without a hitch and I was unhooked and free to leave.   It was such a different round than the last two it was a relief.

My last round of chemo will be on March 13.  I am almost there, for this part at least.  Fingers crossed that I feel okay over the next few days. I'll keep you posted :P
Thank you for all your text messages and good luck wishes.  It really means a lot to have so many people thinking of me and supporting me through this. 
Tonight we will celebrate and go out to dinner with the family!
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Hurry up and wait....

The last few days before my next round of chemo always seems to go so slow.  I fill my days with routine tasks and basically wait for the chemo day to come.  I was all ready to go get my blood work done at VGH outpatient lab when I got a phone call late this afternoon from the cancer agency telling me that the cancer agency pharmacy had called Dr. Bernstein's office to tell them that they did not have enough of my chemo drugs in stock and that my chemo time would have to be changed.  So now I am delayed two more days until Friday at 12:00.  SHIZAS!
I'm so disappointed, I just want to get this over with and I am so nervous about this new drug that I think it's going to be an Ativan sleep tonight!!

This whole process has been so much of the "hurry up and wait." I don't feel like I have had to wait a long time or extended periods of time, rather, it is just the long days of uncertainty and the unknown that just kill me. 
When I was diagnosed I had to wait nine days to get my MRI, now in BC medical terms I realize that's like winning the lottery, it wasn't that I thought that wasn't fast,  really I thought         "Oh God nine whole days?"  each of those days felt like a month! 
My surgeon's appointment was fifteen days from the day I was diagnosed and it was agonizing waiting to see her.  For those fifteen days that surgeon held my fate for the future of my boobies and she was out of town! After I saw the surgeon, I had a surgery date by the end of the day, it was another two weeks.  At this point I knew very little about my cancer, only the size of my tumour and type of cancer (Infiltrating ductal carcinoma.) This info was what the original biopsy provided.
The surgery was going to reveal whether my cancer had spread to my lymph nodes and what kind of cancer I had, oh ya it was also going to take a large chunk of my booby away too, that kinda sucked.  You can only imagine the anxiety.
Those were the days I spent sobbing uncontrollably in bed. The days I couldn't fall asleep because my pillow was drenched from the tears and I had to make midnight calls to my Auntie because Phil and I were both so upset, and couldn't get calmed down. 
After my surgery it was four weeks of painful recovery all the while I was waiting for my call from the Cancer Agency for my first appointment with an oncologist.  That was another thirty five days.
Of all my fears throughout this journey, the biggest fear I had was that I didn't want my kids to see me sick. I didn't want my kids to see my at my worst.  I'm their Mama and I'm the strong one, the one they can depend on, the one that keeps their worlds turning.  What was going to happen to me?
Then there was the big day with the medical oncologist when the fateful news of having to undergo chemotherapy came.   It was twenty days of agonizing and deliberating about what decision to make about my chemo treatment.   It was fifteen more days until I had my first round of chemo.  All in all, it really isn't a long time, it's just the days turn to weeks and the weeks are now months and I'm kinda tired of this cancer business!  It's a downer day today, I guess everyday can't be perfect.
So here I sit waiting, yet again, for chemo round three.  What's another two days really? 

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